Humor On High: Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

In the Eyes of Kids

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

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If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the wi-fi router and wait in the room where it's located.

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Events had left my son-in-law's sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our two-year-old grandson was nearby to dispense words of wisdom. "Don't cry," he said. "Sometimes batteries die and toys break."

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Kids always have so much energy until someone says the words "Clean up your room". Then they are so tired....

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A lone sharpie pen lid is one of the scariest things a parent can find with a house full of young kids.

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At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work. They finally went with mine. "I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.

"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover three holes in our wall."

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"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend as we watched the four-year-olds play in a sandbox.

"He wants to be a garbageman," he replied.

"That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age."

"Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays."

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My Mom once told me, "I hope your kids turn out twice as bad as you so you know what you put me through."

She didn't realize that she would be babysitting them one day.

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My son was doing his math homework and asked me, "How many people buy 50 watermelons at once?"

"I honestly have no idea," I replied. "I've never seen someone buy that many before."

His pencil scribbled on the paper as he grumbled,  "Whoever wrote this math problem clearly never thought about how big a car is."

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Mom Tip: If you want to have a nap when the kids are home, just tell them, "wake me up in 30 minutes so we can clean the house." Best nap ever.

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We were in the living room while the kids were trying to catch flies on the glass window. Three-year-old Billy began to wail, exclaiming that he had swallowed a fly and was sure he was going to die. While I tried to calm him, my husband quickly grabbed a fly, then came over and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he ran back to the window, grabbed another fly, swallowed it, and demanded, "Do it again!"

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Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class. "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up, and the firefighter called on him. Little Johnny replied, "That's the bell that tells you when dinner is ready!"

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I was reading the paper on my couch as my daughter and two friends played together in her room. My daughter ran through the living room with a purple My Little Pony, yelling, "We must go save the Princess!"