The Author's Outlet

I'm Already Dead...

This short conversation between a therapist and her patient was written in honour of Suicide Prevention Month. It's dwells a bit more on what goes on in the personas head and hopefully you as the reader will get an interesting insight on the whole idea.

If you know anyone suffering from extreme mental disorders or anyone showing signs of self harm please assist them or help them seek aid. Just because the battle is in your head doesn't mean you have to fight it alone.

Enjoy the passage!

_____________________________________

"Doctor, can I ask you a question?"
Your voice was low and raspy, barely audible despite the overbearing silence in the room.

"Of-course you can," she replied calmly, maintaining steady eye contact as she placed her note pad on the large desk between you two.

"Have you ever been sad?"

DR. Robbs didn't seem surprised by the question. She probably got it all the time from her patients judging by the familiarity she had with the words, "Sometimes, yes. In-fact I believe everyone has."

You nodded slowly, your gaze drifting off to the clock on the wall behind her.

"Have you ever been so sad, it felt like nothing in the world could fix it? So sad that sleep became the only thing you looked forward to because the only place you could truly be happy was in your dreams?"

She replied again with a similar answer, manufactured over years of experience with broken patients such as yourself. So, you continued.

"Have you ever been so sad you envied the smile on a strangers face? Or the sound of laughter, because yours fits nothing but a phony hollow sound produced by your throat to convince the rest of the world that you're happy?"

She went on to explain how the feeling was usually described as 'depression' and said she'd battled with it for most of her teenage life but gradually got better. She said it what inspired her to become a psychologist.

"Depression," you repeated. "Sounds terrible. But I promise you doctor there's worse."

"What could possibly be worse?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Not sad, not depressed. Just nothing; existing only in the flesh but dead in mind and spirit. Not only are you unable to taste your mothers delicious cooking or feel the auras of your favourite colours any longer. You cease to feel passion, pleasure, anger or pain. You're stripped of your only source of solace; unable to cry, unable to sleep, unable to dream. Whether your eyes are closed or open, it makes no difference; you're stuck in an endless loop of emotionless turmoil because you got so sad you broke yourself."

Upon realising you'd been unconsciously staring at the space behind her, you shift your eyes to stare into hers once again.

"What about that doctor? You ever been that sad before?"

Her bright sapphire irises tried their best to maintain a bland yet forth-coming front, but there was no way to hide the revolting sense of pity that lingered in them. That's all it could possibly be. She felt sorry for you; and as you made out your own reflection through her spectacles you understood why.

Your eyes were as burrowed as your tone; with circles so dark beneath them they'd make any raccoon jealous. Unable to bare the inhuman sight of yourself you turned away and licked your crusty lips, barely getting any moisture on them. Ashen skin embalmed your flesh, thick cream bandages covering up the parts of your arms you'd torn open with a razor blade to finally end it all. 

 Damn, you thought to yourself, after all this time you finally looked how you felt. Worn out, washed up, dead.

"No, no I don't believe I've experienced that kind of sadness before," she croaked.

"That's what I thought," you replied with a nod. "I don't even understand why I'm here." 

"What do you mean? You're here to get better."

A dry chuckle escaped your throat before you brought her to a realisation she hadn't seemed to have picked up yet. "I can't get better. Don't you see, doctor?" you sighed as you slowly eased yourself deeper into the soft leather chair. 

 "I'm already dead."

_______________________

Don't forget to drop a comment and tell me what you think. Turn that star on your screen orange and share if you can! Spread awareness! Stay safe! XOXO...