Instructions for a second-hand heart (Slow Updates)

Chapter-1

I sat facing the window and the impending cold winds of the north that breezed in, legs crossed together, I prayed. The winds blew harshly, whipping my wavy hair over my face.

The weather darkening outside. It was going to rain soon but this thought didn't bring the same sense of happiness that it did in my childhood.

Ignoring the darkening weather, I looked at the serene blackish-blue Shivling in front of me. The Shivling had no face, no eyes, no physical features yet I could feel the serenity and tranquility emitting from it. I could feel a thousand eyes boring on my soul, reading my deepest secrets and desires.

Every time I'm in this room I feel this overwhelming presence. I feel dwarfed in front of the small ling, but I don't mind it. I will always be small in front of Mahadev. Closing my eyes, I chanted - Om Namah Shivaaye.

"Be with them."

I wished. Like I've been for the last six years. Like I've been since I got to know my heart was giving up on me. It has been six years since I got to know of my parent's last gift to me.

The gift that gifted me weak heart muscles.

A gift that made me lose everything, I loved. I couldn't dance to my heart content, I couldn't sprint like a deer, I couldn't do anything adventurous. I couldn't do anything I want too, anymore.

That has been my parent's gift to me. They always love to gift me such extravagant things, like abandonment and neglect. So, I shouldn't be really surprised I was diagnosed with Long QT syndrome.

Genetically inherited from my father for my half-brother on my father's side has a weak heart too. Of course, I didn't know anything about it. I wasn't in contact with them. Well, I wasn't until last winter when my heart stopped beating for a whole two minutes and thirty seconds.

When they got it going again, my heart muscles were damaged. The doctors prescribed me meds but nothing seems to work and then a few days ago, they informed me quite gravely if I might add; I might live only a few more months if I didn't get a donor's heart soon.

So, technically I'm under a death sentence. I can hit the bucket anytime soon. And trust me, it sucks knowing I can die any moment now. It sucks very much. But I guess all of us have to die one day or another and I might die sooner than the rest. But I don't mind that much. I've lost many things in my life till now. My parents, my home, my school, my Nanu, my Nani...

So another loss doesn't surprise me. Life is all about loss and gain. Sometimes loss seems to be winning the race.

But there are a few things I've not lost and I'm sure, I'll never. My di, my crazy bestie, and my faith in Mahadev. I might have not many things left but I've abundant of faith left in my Mahadev.

For my Nani used to say; "Nanhe, no matter how hard life becomes keep faith in Mahadev. He'll always guide you. He tests us but also helps us, "

I was a ten-year-old left with my Nani when she first told me this. For even though, my mother has gained my and my sister's custody after her divorce with our father. My mother didn't want anything to do with us. So, both of us were dropped at my Nani's place.

The grief-struck and highly hurt me couldn't help but blame gods for everything that went wrong in our life. For my parent's divorce. For them abandoning me and my sister. I was devastated, everything I had known changed in a blink of an eye. I couldn't call them anymore for they felt highly disturbed. They had their new lives, new family, and my sister and I didn't fit in their lives anymore. We were burdens. We were things they wanted to forget.

And the ten-year-old me just couldn't believe that my parents didn't want me. I was devastated. And angry at about everything in the world. Why couldn't I call my father? Why couldn't I live with my parents? Why wasn't mom around? Why couldn't I go to my school? Why do I have to live in this scary, huge place? It was a good adventure spot for summer vacations but not staying.