Instructions for a second-hand heart (Slow Updates)

Chapter-6

And while one son of the nation breathed again. It was time to say goodbye to the other.

••••••••
After how many funerals the whole procession seems habitual? After attending how many funerals tears stop gracing your eyes? After witnessing how many deaths you stop minding death? 

I don't know. I've witnessed deaths from childhood. Every few months a known or unknown soldier martyred for the nation leaving behind tears and gaping holes. And you never get used to that. You never get used to knowing that yesterday he was here, today he isn't here.

It never makes sense.

It never did.

Not when I was a six-year-old consoling Vihaan during his father's funeral. Everything had felt disconcerting back then. We didn't know why uncle was wrapped in our tri-colored flag? Why wouldn't he wake up? We didn't understand the notion that he was gone.

Not when we were huddled together in Karan's room. Consoling him when his uncle went missing. Every day we all looked hopeful that maybe he'll return today. Every day there was hope and every dusk was full of devastation.

It didn't make quite a sense to us.

Not when they all were huddled around me, consoling me when dad's car fell off the cliff. When everyone was searching. The three of them were huddled around me, consoling me, being my strength.

Every single known funeral we were together.

Vihaan's dad's.

Karan's Uncle's.

My Dad's.

Yet when it was time for the funeral of one of us. One or two of us were always missing. Anuj and I couldn't attend Karan's funeral due to our posting and now, it's Anuj's funeral and Karan is missing.

But maybe Karan is waiting for Anuj if there's any place beyond death. Maybe both of them will wait for Vihaan and me too. We have always done things together. So, maybe they will wait beyond the veil for us too.

Watching over us.

Like the stars in the sky.

Like the stars, our parents confided, each dear one gone becomes.

Back then, we thought maybe that's why there were so many stars in the sky. But now, even after knowing the truth and reality. I want to hold onto that silly notion. I want to hold onto the fact that we are still under the same sky's grace.

I'm breathing and he is twinkling.

Like that twinkling laugh of his.

But it isn't so, a part of me will always scream. It isn't so for his still body covered in flowers won't leave my mind. Anuj looked peaceful. Almost asleep with a swollen face and a black eye. And I could almost, almost make myself believe that he was just sleeping after a nasty mission. Resting for some time because he was too tired.

Tomorrow he'll wake again with a bright dazzling smile. Refreshed and full of uncontained energy, running around the house. Accompanying mum to temple or supermarket. Challenging Vihaan and entertaining Suhani with stories.

But it wasn't so.

It won't be.

Even when Anuj was dead tired. Even the slightest of noise was capable of breaking his slumber. He would wake up at the barest sounds. He always has been an extremely light sleeper and if wails, cries, and gunshots failed to wake him.

Nothing ever will.

The thought was life shatteringly heartbreaking. And no matter how many times I told myself, I won't cry. I won't cry. He won't like me crying. He won't want me crying. He'll like a happy goodbye. A goodbye remembering him at his happiest but I couldn't quite help my tears at that moment. I was never good at saying goodbyes and now, it was goodbye forever for us.