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Chapter 3

I wanna start this chapter off by saying; because of the inner work & healing that I've done within myself this year I am able to see all of the adults from my childhood as people with a hurting, undernourished & unhealed inner child.
I know NOW & can empathize that my parents did the best that they could with what they knew while carrying around their own childhood & adult trauma.
And that's all any of us can ever do until we know better.

I vaguely remember visiting California once before I officially moved in with my dad. My mom flew out there with me and it was weird because it was the first time I had been around her alone multiple days in a row in a long time. The only part of that visit I remember is her laughing at me because my ears hurt so bad during take off that I cried.
Oh, I'm also pretty sure that it was the first time I met my step mom and her 4 kids. My dad remarried before I moved in with him. And she had 4 kids from previous marriages.

The final trip to Cali was a one way flight for me. My mom's younger sister (my aunt)  and her fiancé accompanied me this time.
When I was a kid I always wondered why she couldn't have just been my mom. I would often ask her to adopt me. She was only in her early 20's when all of this was going on.
She left home around 16 because she wasn't about the life that my mom and grandma lived. So my great aunt (who got guardianship of me) took her under her wing as well.

It was traumatizing to say the least being uprooted from the only life and people I ever knew. And moving in with people I had only met once. Plus I was used to being an only child. Even though I never had access to the best parenting and supervision in Oklahoma I was still spoiled and enabled after moving in with  the aunts. I was used to basically doing whatever I wanted. Eating whenever and whatever I wanted. I literally would have ice cream and gummy worms for breakfast. No one made sure I brushed my teeth regularly, wiped my ass thoroughly, combed my hair and things like that. At least not when school was out.
It was quite the wake up call to go from that life style to a crowed 2 bedroom apartment with structure and rules. And there had to be. My dad and step mom were taking care of 5 kids. My dad was in the reserves at the time and was going to Med school at UCSD. My step mom was an administrative assistant. We lived in family student housing. My parents shared a room with my little brother, us 3 girls shared the 2nd bedroom and my oldest brother slept on the futon couch in the living room.
I struggled adjusting & wasn't an easy child to deal with by any means. But for the most part life was pretty good at first.
Eventually all ties were cut with my family in Oklahoma, as an adult I understand why now but as a child it was just more trauma, it was hard & of course effected my behavior. Eventually my oldest brother and sister graduated high school and moved out. The middle sister got pregnant at 16 so she stayed living with our parents for quite awhile.
I remember our parents not being happy about it but the baby was a complete blessing and we loved her. I was close to her and loved helping take care of her.
Things kind of took a turn for the worst for my step mom and I in 7th grade when they decided to homeschool my younger brother and I. He was excited but I loved school and my social life.
Enter more trauma.
You can imagine not having the best relationship with someone and then turning around and making it so you never got a break from each other. It wasn't good. And it stayed that way all through high school and beyond.
Back tracking just a little. My dad ended up not pursuing his medical degree. He went to Officer Candidate school and full blown active duty Marine Corps officer. I always admired him because he was so damn smart & literally went from living in a car to an officer in the Marine Corps. After he became an officer he worked a lot and was gone a lot. After 9/11 he was deployed overseas at least 4 times that I can remember. That meant more alone time for my step mom and I.
My step mom was left on her own to take care of me and my younger brother a lot. Looking back as an adult I know that shit had to be hard and overwhelming. I was so damaged from the 7 years of living like a wild animal and being exposed to horrible things.
I remember getting pulled out of class in elementary school to see a school counselor every week . I found out in high school it was because of what my teacher read in my daily journal entries. It was pretty dark shit for an 8 year old.  But as a kid I just thought it was cool I got to leave class. My parents also paid for me to see a psychologist outside of school for awhile.
And all I can remember telling that lady was how much I wanted to go back to Oklahoma.