"Stop loving you."
Trixie stared at Katya, heartbroken that the girl had suffered like she had, overjoyed that she might not have been the only one who desperately wished for the life they once shared.
"Do you still?" The brown eyed girl asked tentatively.
"Still what?" Katya asked, in a shy, embarrassed, and slightly panicked tone. She hadn't meant to admit it to Trixie. She hadn't meant to lay her heart bare and expose it to heartbreak again.
"Do you still love me?" Trixie clarified, situating herself a bit closer to the other blonde.
Trixie needed to know, needed to know if there was still a chance to get the love of her life back.
Katya didn't say anything, she couldn't, admitting it was too dangerous.
"Trix..."
"Katya, I love you. Always have, always will." Trixie said honestly.
She was over them tiptoeing around the root of their issue; that they wanted eachother back despite everything.
"I can't do this again." Katya said as she got up from the couch.
"Do what again exactly? Be happy? Is it better to live your life hiding behind your canvases then to actually allow yourself to find happiness again?" Trixie said, feeling herself grow irritated.
Katya scoffed, of course she wouldn't understand. She didn't know her anymore, they didn't know eachother anymore.
"It's not that fucking easy Trixie. We barely know eachother, and who knows when you are gonna have to move away once again? Hell, you don't even live here now!" Katya said growing more annoyed by the minute. Suddenly all the built up frustration came crashing down like a thunderstorm.
"I could move, I have so much more freedom now, Kat. Just let me in and I swear we can fix everything, we can go back to the way we were." Trixie said as she stood up and took hold of both of Katya's hands, practically begging the other blonde to not give up on them.
"No, we can't. We aren't the same people, Trix. You're a superstar, and I'm a fucking recovering drug addict. You have no idea how bad it got for me once you left. I almost fucked up my entire life and pushed away most of my friends. I can't just pretend to be the girl you left here." Katya said ripping her hands out of Trixie's grip.
"I'm not asking you to! I'm just asking you to give it a chance! But no, god forbid that you'd have to take a risk and be honest about your emotions!" Trixie said as she walked towards the door.
"And there you go running out the door again. I thought you'd finally understood, but now I see you never will." Katya said bitterly.
She hated what she was doing.
Why was she pushing Trixie away?
Life had been awful without Trixie in it, bland and boring, not an ounce of color. She'd do anything to be with Trixie again, and yet here she was pushing the love of her life away.
"That's a low blow and you know it. It's because I understand that I am leaving. I understand what you might not; that you are shying away from living your life out of fear of getting hurt again. But god forbid that you should ever show an ounce of sincerity. Is it so scary, Katya? Is it so terrifying to say out loud that you miss what we were?" Trixie said, feeling anger fuel her body.
How did they get to this?
A second ago, Katya had admitted to not being able to stop loving her.
And now, here she was, running out the door again, just like Katya said.
"What? Cat got your tounge?" Trixie challenged.
And just like that Trixie's damn pride had gotten in her way once again. Because, why admit that you've gone too far when you can just keep digging yourself a hole?
"No, just waiting for you to leave, there's nothing I can say to stop it anyways." Katya replied.
"Yes, there is! You could tell me not to go. Please, just say it to me. Tell me what you should have said back then, whatever you held in. Say that you're hurt or relieved or whatever. Just say something instead of assuming I know what would magically make it all better. If you want me out of your life then fine, but don't act like you haven't been happier since I returned." Trixie said, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Yes, I am extremely happy right now as you can tell, oh what joy!" Katya said sarcastically.
"There you go again, desperately clinging to sarcasm to escape actually admitting what you feel." Trixie replied bitterly. She shook her head a little, gritting her teeth as she kicked the floor lightly.
"Jesus I don't even know why I try. What is it you want, Katya?"
"You." She thought.
"I don't know, Trix." She said, a little softer than before.
"Well, when you figure it out, let me know." And with that Trixie was gone, leaving Katya alone with her thoughts once again.
What is it that you want, Katya?
The sentence repeated itself over and over in Katya's head, through the night, beyond sunrise, and until sunset. As the sky glowed in tropical reds and yellows, the question remained in Katya's mind.
What did she want?
A relationship?
For what?
Someone to hurt her again?
Ruin her sleep?
Demand too much?
Argue with until they walked out the door?
"There's more than that, Katya, you know there is." A voice in her head said.
Oh really, what more would she get?
Someone who'll want her to share, even when she didn't want to?
Someone she has to let in and spare the feelings of?
"Why does that scare you Katya?" The voice asked.
"Because being alive is frightening." She whispered to herself.
"Yes, but isn't it worth the risk? Isn't it better to have lived and to loose love, than to never have experienced it?"
Yes.
It was better to be crowded with love even for a fleeting moment.
Having Trixie for a second was better than living a lifetime without her.
Sometimes you have to take a risk to know that you are living.
No longer could she shy away from the dangers of being alive.
YOU ARE READING
Sincerity Is Scary ✔~ trixya
Fanfiction"She's back in town you know. She's playing a show at Dolly's tonight." Violet said, trying to see if there was any hope of getting the bitter woman to swallow her pride. "I don't care. Why would I? She's no one to me." Katya replied, annoyed that...
