Breakout Rooms (#4)

z o o m

"If you don't have weights at home, try using canned food or the psychological burden of simply existing in this world!" – The New Yorker

Dedication: EmbersFromInk for being a loyal reader, and taking the time to chat to me during quarantine. Love ya! <3

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"Whale, hello there."

"The first thing I'm greeted with after being sent into this hell vortex is a pun. Figures."

"Wait, hold up. Are you calling this breakout room a hell vortex?"

"Yeah, it's the closest thing to living hell there is. That, and stepping on a lego brick."

"Out of interest, have you recently been condemned to the netherworld, or do you just hate group work?"

"Well, they're not mutually exclusive."

"Fair enough. Well, how about you turn your camera on, black square?"

"Why?"

"I've always wondered what Persephone looks like."

"Well, I need a glimpse of Hades first. After all, you're the one who took me captive and brought me down here. It's only fair."

"To be clear, we're still talking about this Zoom tutorial, right?"

"Po-tay-to, po-tah-to."

"Well, I can't have you thinking that I'm uncourteous. Ladies first, Pomegranate."

"Pomegranate?"

"Yeah, that's what I'll call you from now on! It's one of Persephone's symbols, right? Seems fitting."

"Well, you could just call me my screen name, you know. Way fewer syllables for your three brain cells to unscramble."

"I'm not going to call you J, Pomegranate. Come on."

"Why not? It's perfect. Memorable enough that it sticks in your head, but vague enough that you can't recognize me. A win-win!"

"Spare me a little creativity here. J? Seriously? How long did it take for you to come up with that zinger?"

"It's not a zinger, it's my name. Speaking of names, what's yours?"

"Look, it's right there in bold white letters."

"I meant your real name, not that ridiculous screen name."

"What, are you insinuating that Space Jam isn't my real name?"

"If you don't come on and slam, and welcome to the jam, then you're not legit. I proclaim you a poser, Michael Jordan imposter!"

"Okay, geez, I wasn't expecting to be flamed when I joined this Zoom call. Now I wish our tutor forced us to use our real names on here."

"It's a non-compulsory tutorial, genius. He's not taking attendance. That's why he let us customize them."

"Yeah, I saw someone with the name 'Pinkie Pie simp' before we were sent into this hell vortex, which I think is objectively worse."

"You've definitely got the upper hand there. But, to be fair, the bar is six feet under."

"You compared this place to Hell, so by your logic, we're all six feet under."

"Nice comeback, Space Jam."

"Oh, are you calling me that now?"

"No, it's a placeholder, dummy. I need time to stew on a nickname for you. I want to make sure that it's worse than Space Jam."

"Well, as long as it's unrelated to My Little Pony or simps, I'm happy."

"So, nameless, faceless black square, shouldn't we be discussing these questions?"

"What questions?"

"You know, these moral philosophy questions for our moral philosophy class that we've ignored for the past ten minutes?"

"Gasp! The one who hates group work wants to cooperate? It's opposite day!"

"It's not really group work if there's only two of us. More like a reluctant partnership."

"Three's a crowd, and you know what they say about crowds these days."

"I doubt social distancing applies to the mythological underworld, birdbrain."

"Hey, if there's anyone who could cook up a virus to start off this decade, it's those mothertruckers downstairs."

"Well, let's hope those mothertruckers down there are wearing masks."

"If not, I'll eat their souls."

"That's not very social distancing of you."

"I'm the king of the underworld, baby. It's my solemn duty."