It's a Sign of the Times

Chapter Thirteen: Unknown

The future is terrifying.
Not because I don't know where I want to end up, because I do. I just don't know how to get there.
At the end of the day, I want to have someone that's always by my side and we can have a townhouse anywhere in the world together. There will be a backyard full of flowers and a wooden fence. A red bridge will be just a short walk away from our house and I will use it to think every time we fight, which would be rare. We'd have dogs and cats and any animal that's in need of a home. Our windows would always be open, with curtains that are gently blowing from the breeze while we dance to soft dinner music in our kitchen, which is painted yellow. Maybe we have a kid or two down the line and we teach them lessons about life and tell them stories of our best friends when we were children and all of the messes we got ourselves into. And at the end of it all, I just want to be happy.

I've been thinking of these things very intensely recently. Do I want these things because adam did? Or are this really the life that I want? I've officially decided this is what I want, just not with him anymore. And that's okay, things change and people change and it's okay to move on.

Caris and Jobeth have been helping me feel better. We hang out as often as we can and we avoid talking about the concert and anything related to that night. I appreciate their understanding of my avoidance of the topic, but I do feel guilty if they feel like they have to watch what they say around me. I won't break.

I'm flipping through a magazine while on a phone call with Caris. She's talking about the new posters she put on her walls and how excited she is to completely rebrand and I'm listening. I really am! But my mind is also drifting. I look down at my magazine and find that I've subconsciously stopped on a page about One Direction.

Numbly, i trace Harry's face with my fingernail. I stifle a laugh when I read what the magazine actually says about each of the band members. They're all equally ridiculous, along the lines of "What toothpaste does Liam like best?"

I tune back in and realize Caris has stopped talking. "I'm so sorry," I say sincerely. "I just...i don't know, I don't have an excuse."

"No, it's okay!" She rushes to reassure me. "You've had a rough week. Do you...do you need to talk about anything?"

I hesitate, flashes of Luke and Harry both appearing in my mind. "I was just...thinking. I don't know. It's silly. I guess I was just wishing that I'd gotten Luke's number. Or Harry's. Either. Both. I don't know!"

She's silent on the other side of the line, clearly thinking. "Well..." she sighs. "Okay, so Jobeth and I actually got a few of their numbers, so I could ask them for Harry or Luke's if you want..."

"I don't know, do you think that's a good idea? Like do you think that I should? Maybe I should leave it alone. Maybe it's better this way. I mean, if i was meant to have their numbers, I'd already have them right? So I'm fine. I don't even need them."

"Right." Caris isn't convinced. "I'll text Niall and if you change your mind, I'll have it on hand for you. But I'm not making this decision for you, Chloe. This is all you."

We hang up a few minutes afterwards, and I hug the magazine to my chest. It's silly, but I feel more connected to the two of them in doing it.

Before I can lose my nerve, I ask Caris for Luke's number. She promises to get it for me and I leave my phone at home, deciding to go for a walk to get rid of my nervous energy while I wait.

Thoughts race and my heart pounds as I walk through the streets. The stupid streets of Ohio. I wish I could be anywhere but here right now. There's nowhere to go but I also know that nowhere would be far enough away from my problems for me. I'm just not sure where to go. I can't help but wonder...where do broken hearts go?