In Your Eyes ✧ Timothée Chalamet

27 - my lips are sealed

T I M O T H É E

The tension between us is gone.

We're supposed to be meeting up with Sophia and Syd today at the coffee house. It's meant to be some sort of a double date thing. Ella was weird all morning though. Didn't say a word to me when she woke up. I said good morning, she said it back but that was really it.

I don't think she's still angry, but she is most definitely distancing herself from me. I really messed with her emotions, or at least that's what I think I did judging by her explosion yesterday. She rarely ever blows up on me like that. She had so much frustration in her, so much annoyance. It made me feel like such a horrible boyfriend. And it got me thinking...

Have I really been that oblivious to how she must feel?

I should have realized just how confusing I'm being. But then again I'm confused myself. One second California seems like a nightmare to me, the next I seem to look at it as some road to endless opportunities. I've never been this indecisive.

My whole life I've always know exactly what I want and I've fought for it. But with California, I just can't make up my mind. It's all so unclear. Everything is blurry. It feels like every monumental decision I make will be the wrong one and I don't know anymore.

I really don't know.

It seemed so black and white to me a few days ago. California means losing my relationship with Ella. And New York means having it for the rest of our lives. But is it really that inevitable? Should I be so sure that one thing is bound to lead to another?

The car ride to the Coffee House is where Ella finally started softening up to me. She put on some music, reached for my hand and looked out the window in silence, the way she always does. It wasn't much. But it was enough to reassure me that I was forgiven.

Then we make it to her favorite place to eat on campus and we're about to enter until she holds me back. Her hands sits gently on my shoulder and when I turn to look at her I'm not sure if she's sad or content. Maybe she's feeling mixed emotions? She takes my hand all of sudden and squeezes it.

'I'm not angry. I know you never meant to hurt me, but I was still hurt.' I smile at her honesty, although her words break my heart. I hate hurting her. Weather it's intentional or on purpose. The idea that I can even harm her precious soul is one that tears my heart to pieces.

I squeeze her hand back. 'I'm glad you told me how you felt last night. It really made me analyze the situation from a different point of view.'

Ella tries her best to smile but it comes out looking like more of a frown instead. 'That's good to hear.' She coos. 'But just remember what I said last night. No more talk of California until you know what you want for sure.'

I nod in understanding. 'Deal.' I hold my hand out for her to shake and at first she looks confused but then she takes it and we shake on it quite awkwardly. The handshake brings some laughter out of her which immediately puts a smile on my face.

'You're such a dork you know that?' She says standing on her tiptoes to kiss me. I'm not that hard to reach but I still adore it when she does that. It makes me wants to lift her up and wrap her legs around my waist. But I hold back the urge to do that because we have a double date to get to and we're already a few minutes late.

Once she pulls away from me I go back in for another peck which causes a little giggle to escape her. 'I know that buddy.' I say.

'Buddy?' She repeats the word back to me with her eyebrows raised.