In Your Eyes ✧ Timothée Chalamet

don't say it (bonus)

Recap:
Ella and Timmy officially ended things on Christmas Eve. She has suicidal thoughts after their breakup and Aaron catches her having a breakdown and tells her he will help her through it.

[one year after the breakup]
E L L A

The snow reminds me of him.

The songs on the radio make me cry because we would listen to them together.

All the sweet words that come out of Miles's mouth just aren't the same to me. They don't carry the same meaning. He isn't him. There's no way he can compare.

No one can compare to him.

No matter how good they may be.

'You look pretty today.' Miles says once I enter his car with ease, showing no hint of irritation towards the icy cold weather I had to walk through to make it to his parking spot. I turn the heat down, I like feeling the cold. It's a good distraction. It always has been for me. I'd rather be shivering from the cold than bite down on my skin when I get anxious. It's better for me this way.

I glance down at my plain white coat and my grey sweats. It amazes me how I wasn't trying to look good at all but somehow he manages to compliment me every time he so much as lays his eyes on me. And I just wish there was a hint of dishonesty in his voice when he says these nice things to me. But there isn't. Because he means it.

So I simply sigh. 'You say that everyday Miles.' I utter and he doesn't start driving. Instead he is still parked outside of my dorm and we sit there in silence as I furrow my eyebrows at him. 'Aren't we going to be late to the movie? You're the one that begged to me come watch it with you.'

Miles shakes his head at me. 'We won't be late. There's still time.' I simply nod. I don't make an effort to say anything back to him. That's how I've been lately. I don't make an effort anymore. No more fake smiles, no more pretending. I got over that faze in my life. I don't care how people think I feel.

I only care that I make it through this rough patch.

In the end that's all that matters.

Nowadays everyone knows I'm going through it. I wear my scars on display, I don't feel shame towards them anymore. They're always going to be a part of me. People should know that. My eyes seem to always be glazed with a fresh set of tears every so often. My outfits prove that I don't give a shit how I look anymore. I just wear whatever I find when I go through my closet.

My professors worry about me, my peers look at me like I might break any second. Sophia's always asking me how I am. I stopped lying to her. I started telling her everything. Because it helps. Therapy helps too. Aaron's to thank for that. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here right now, in Miles's car, agreeing to watch some action movie with him that I probably won't like.

Miles suddenly clears his throat. 'Ella we need to talk.' He sounds serious. I don't like that. I'm assuming he wants to discuss me. Maybe today it'll be about my sad eyes, or my lack of laughter, maybe he wants to tell me I should smile more.

Everyone loves lecturing me lately.

But Miles has never been one to tell me how to feel. He's been quite understanding of how I've been choosing to deal with my heartbreak for the past year. Maybe because he's been quiet too, and incredibly reserved. But it seems today things are about to change. He's going to give me a pep talk. I just know he will. 'About what?' I ask. 'What did I do?'

Miles sighs tiredly, his eyes on the steering wheel. 'It's not something you did El.' I watch him fidget with his hands. He holds on tightly to the hem of his shirt and slowly starts to tap his fingers against his thigh. 'It's something that I didn't do.'