Don't Go [Muke Clemmings]

Chapter Twenty Six

                                               8/1/14
Luke, I miss you. You may not be reading this, since you probably hate me now for breaking up the friendship, but if you are, I just want to tell you why.
It was already hard, being in love with you (I'm sure you knew this, since you've already read this book) and knowing that I had absolutely no chance with you, but once I've had a taste of perfection, it's just too painful to have you right there in front of my face. I love you, Luke, why don't you understand that? I'm in love with you, I have been for a while, and it hurts when you lie to me. I'm still not exactly sure what the truth is, but either way, I know you lied to me, because first you said you were straight, then you said you loved me, then you said that was a lie. You never loved me, you never will. Or maybe you did, in which case you lied so much I want to slap you in the face. Of course, it would be worse if you told me you loved me and were lying, because that's just playing with my heart and that's NOT OKAY. Do you understand this, Luke? It's not okay, I'm not a fûcking toy.

I'm not sure when this diary became a book of letters. Well, actually, I am. That happened when I found out you were telling the truth about reading my diary. It was about halfway through my last entry.

And after that... You broke my heart. Again.

I know I sound cheesy with the words, "You broke my heart," but you did. Maybe now it'll finally fail. I'm not even sure if I want it to keep working.

Luke

I cried as I read the day's entry. It was too late to take back what I said.

He wouldn't give up just like that, though, would he? He couldn't. He had so much to live for. He had his mom, he had Jamie... and he could have had me. I slapped myself in the face for about the 15th time that day. Wait, no, the first 10 were Jamie.

Michael

I put my hand over my heart and felt how slow it was beating. I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing... slower... slower...

Luke's face popped into my mind, Luke at the funeral, when we got into that fight. Luke crying. Luke biting his lip, Luke kissing me...

My heart beat increased again and I kept crying. Luke, why the fûck wouldn't you let me die?

Luke, just get the fûck out of my head, okay? I can't deal with this, you make me depressed and then something will make me think of you just in time to save my life. Why do you do this, Luke, why must you torture me like this? I don't think I deserve this. What did I ever do to end up with this life?

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                                                 8/2/14
Oh my God. I want to write the dream I had last night in here, because I REALLY want to remember it, if you know what I mean, but I'm afraid he who must not be named may be reading this right now, and if not, he may read it later.
Oh, whatever. If he actually doesn't care about me, why on Earth would he be reading this?
So we started school and I was failing math, and Luke offered to be my tutor and for some reason I let him...

Luke

I giggled as I read the dream Michael had about me. He apparently didn't hate me too much.

But fûck, I missed him. I miss his eyes, his face, his personality especially. I miss his hair and how cute he is when I touch it and he gets mad. I miss him.

Our relationship didn't last long, did it? About a day. God, why did I have to be such a screw-up? And why did Michael have to fall for someone nowhere near good enough for him? And why did it have to be me?