Under My Skin

Silhouettes

I won't lie, it's only been a couple of days, but I'm already struggling. I've been eating an unrefrigerated apple and graham crackers for two meals a day. I can't do any laundry, and as it turns out, I can't do any work on my computer, now that the internet and power are gone. And I'll tell you now, my cleaning routine has gotten infinitely harder. The worst part is trying to keep Connor at an arms length. He isn't spending the night, I'm having him during the day and sending him home before sundown. I miss him. I miss him a lot. But he can't know. And that means some distance, no matter how painful that may be for me.
But he's pushing back against that distance. Anyone would. He's insisted on making me dinner tonight and bringing it over. Luckily, a candlelit dinner is considered romantic, and not an indication that I can't pay my bills.

I got extra dressed up that night, hoping it would both keep up the illusion that the candlelight was purely for mood, and that he would like it on me. I may be lying to him, but he's still my boyfriend. I still want him to want me.

I'll be frank, it's hard to feel attractive in the state I'm in. My clothes haven't been ironed, and I'm covered in bruises, scratches, and cuts underneath them. You don't really feel good looking, like that.

He showed up just as the sun started going down, making it the perfect setting for the candlelight. 

I was taken aback when I opened the door for him. He looked incredible.

"Kevin! Hi!" He smiled

"....Hi." I finally spat out, nearly speechless.

"...you okay?"

"Yes.. Yes, I'm just.... wow.. you look amazing..."

"Awh.. you're sweet.."

"You're gorgeous.... d-do you want to come in?" I rushed to open the door fully for him

"Thank you.. I'm fucking freezing" he giggled, taking my invitation in

"You look... wow..."

"You're sweet.. you don't look too bad yourself. I hope you like pesto."

"God, I do.."

"Good. No meat, just like you like. Different knives for every ingredient, washed my hands after everything I touched, even the pan. I don't know how you do it, it's exhausting."

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's alright. Anything for you, you know that."

"You're.. you're very sweet.."

"Don't even mention it. I'm just happy to be here with you."

"...Look, I'm really sorry I've been weird, lately, I-I know I've been distant, I just...I'm dealing with a lot and I thought it was better to push you away a little so it didn't affect you, but now, the thing is, I realize that um... that sucks... that hurts you way more than dealing with me, having a hard time. So... that sucked. And I'm sorry."

"..I can't say it didn't hurt to be pushed away like that, it did.. but Kev, I just want to help you. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I'm here. I'm always here.. and really, I'm just disappointed in myself that I didn't make it clear enough to you that I'm here for you through anything.. you didn't think you could come to me, and that's my fault. But I'm here for you. No matter what, I'm here..."

"...I love you."

"I love you, too.. look, if you want to talk about whatever you're going through, just know I'm here for you.."

"Thank you.. that-that's sweet.. but in all honesty, I just.. I just want to get past it.."

"I understand.... Tell you what, why don't we have a nice dinner, eat our weight in pesto gnocchi, and enjoy our night together.. I know I'm enjoying the way you look tonight." He half-smirked, giving my back.