Under My Skin

Greater Love

Nobody ever told me what it would be like to be in a relationship. Nobody ever told me that you have to be so flexible about things.
I've got my own schedule, I've been following it for years. But when somebody new comes into your life, you have to make adjustments for them. I'm incredibly lucky in the sense that Connor is aware of my schedule and my needs, and he does what he can to keep that the same. But no matter what you do, things are going to change. No matter how hard you try to keep it the same, it never will be. But the amazing thing is, you don't even mind.
I used to eat alone most nights. Now he's here to have dinner with me. Every night. I used to be alone. All day, every day. I was so used to being alone that I didn't even realize what it meant to be lonely. I was so constantly lonely that I couldn't even identify it. It was like a natural state. Now, I miss him like crazy, even when he's just out for groceries.

I'm not used to sleeping next to somebody. For twenty four years, I slept alone. Now, there's somebody next to me. Almost every single night, he's there. Another person, by my side. It was uncomfortable at first, I'll admit, it definitely takes some getting used to. But now, it's strange not to have him there. It's an odd experience, suddenly having someone to sleep next to. But it's one I wouldn't give up for anything.

A relationship is full of new things for me. Being touched. Kissing. Sleeping beside somebody, sleeping with somebody. Sharing the day with someone. Sharing my life with someone.

I had very few examples of relationships, growing up. I only had my parents, and the couples I saw on television. Well, I once saw a couple in one of those horrible videos I watched. But I don't think they really loved each other very much. I'm not so sure they were even a real couple. I don't know, I was off that site pretty quickly. It sounds incredibly silly, but those videos were rather traumatizing to me. I know, I'm a grown man, it shouldn't be like that. But I had absolutely no experience or understanding of sex, growing up. I didn't until pretty recently. I wasn't allowed to watch television or movies with any sex in them, even when I was eighteen or so. I never saw anything like that. My first exposure to anything like that was one of those videos. And as an incredibly sheltered twenty-something year old, it was quite a shock. I left that video as quickly as I could, but the imprint it left was lasting. From that, my next experience with sex was more than equally upsetting. Hearing Steven clawing at and bruising Connor while he begged him to be gentler, through the open windows. Then, of course, who could forget my infamous pornography incident that ended in me crying to my new boyfriend, frightened out of my mind of what I thought would happen to me if I slept with him.

It's certainly a growing experience, learning how to have a relationship with no idea what's expected of me. But it's learning that I'm happy to do for him. Nobody makes me smile like that man does. Nobody makes me feel so loved. So protected, so cared for.. so genuinely wanted. And it doesn't hurt that he looks like sunshine, personified. A perfect encapsulation of a warm autumn afternoon.

I don't doubt that he's had to learn a lot, too. How to deal with my compulsions and fears, how to live with a man who has so many needs. I just hope he has found it was worthwhile as I have. It may often go unspoken, but that man is absolutely everything to me. Everything he is makes me want to be better. He makes me want to be brave. How could you not want to be brave for him? Even if it's just working up the nerve to kiss him, he gives me the bravery I need. I want to give him everything. I want to take the stars from the sky for him. And that will take a little extra bravery.

He gives me so much... he gives me everything he has to offer. He takes care of me. He has since day one. And all I can seem to do in return is try. Try to grow, to expand, to broaden the scope of what I deem possible for myself. I'm afraid of many things. But he gives me the courage to try. He makes me feel safe to try.