Old World [Louis Tomlinson]

Chapter 6

I wake up feeling really bad. My body is begging me to stay in bed but I know it's all in my head. We're three days away from our midterms week so I really don't have the luxury to stop now, I gotta go to class and spend the weekend studying. The past week has been very busy with college and the boys had two football games which ended up in me not being able to see them. I saw Louis and Niall in our class but we didn't have lunch after as we would normally do because they had to train. I also didn't see Harry because as they were training hard for the games he was dismissed from physical education. I'm sitting in my class and my professor starts reviewing the subject, I feel the enormous familiar pressure on my chest, I can't breath and I'm trying hard to hold the tears, I quickly gather my stuff and leave class. As soon as I close the door I start running towards the bathroom, as I'm about to get in I feel someone gently grabbing my arm. I enter the bathroom and the person follows me, I turn and see Louis behind me. I let go all my stuff, which falls on the floor and I start crying so hard I shake, I fall on my knees and crawl so I can sit against the wall. Louis sits by my side and just holds me as I cry, after a while I can breath again although I'm still sobbing.

- What happened. - He asks while rubbing my back.

- I'm broken, that's what happened. - I laugh at my own pain.

- You're not broken. You can tell me anything. - He holds me tighter. I stay silent for a while.

- At 11 years old I had this weird changes in my humor, I was ok and then out of nowhere I felt like crying. At the time I told my aunt and she told my mom but they thought it wasn't a big deal. At age 13 I had some bad friends that introduced me to cutting, drugs and alcohol. Every time I felt slightly sad I would go to this kind of coping mechanism. This went until I was 16, my dad lived abroad from my 3 to 15 years and when he came back I didn 't want to disappoint him so I decided to ask for help. In my first appointment with the psychiatrist I learned that I was bipolar and had OCD. I started treatment and now I'm better. I don't even need medicine anymore as I was treated at a young age but big changes are really hard and the stress from the tests is triggering me. I sometimes just wish I went back to my old ways, it would be so much easier. - He stood silent the whole time. As I finish and look at him he stops holding me only to hold my face.

- You are definitely not broken, you are the strongest person I know. - He kisses me and hugs me again.

- Well, now you know why it is so hard for me trusting people and to feel like something good could actually happen. - I shrug. - How did you find me?

- I was in class and saw you running, you looked upset so I came to check on you.

- Thank you. - I look at him and kiss him again. He smiles and helps me up. As I go wash my face he grabs my stuff and waits for me.

- Do you want to go home? - He asks and I think it's the best thing, I need to rest otherwise this will happen in the tests and I won't be able to do it.

Louis leaves me at home but can't stay because he has training. I go straight to bed, feeling exhausted. When I wake up it's already night, I eat, take a shower and go back to sleep. The whole weekend is spent studying and Louis sends me about three messages each day to check on me. When monday arrives, I wake up and check my bag three times to see if I hadn't forgotten anything. I arrive at my political science class and sit beside Niall, we take our test and it ends up going really well, we go out for lunch to celebrate and Liam joins us.

- So Ember, tell me, how has been your two months at Oxford? - Liam asks, smiling at me.

- Hard. - I answer truthly.

- You'll get used to it, I feel like the first semester is the worst since you have to get used to college life, after it you get used to it. There are some classes I don't even show up anymore. - He laughs.

- I don't think that helps Liam. - Niall laughs.

- I'm with Niall. - Liam makes a sad face and me and Niall laugh even more, the guy is a walking meme.

The rest of the week goes really well, the only test I'm worried about it's the sociology one. This subject is really not my favorite. When we finish our last exam, everyone goes to the pud to celebrate. I'm between Louis and Niall, Olivia and Liam are on Niall's side and Zayn and Harry on Louis'. Harry is sitting right in front of us. The group is talking about the tests and how they nailed it, except for Liam who thinks he flunked every subject. Louis leans to whisper on my ear:

- Are you having fun? - He puts his hand on my tight. I look at him with wide eyes, smirking.

- Extreme fun. - I give him a quick kiss and turn back to the table, at this moment I realize Harry is looking at us and doesn't look very happy. He gets up and goes to the bar.

- Harry's so sensitive. - Zayn says and everyone looks at him and I feel like I'm missing information.

- Why did he say that? - I whisper in Louis' ear.

- I'll tell you later. - He kisses my cheek.

When everyone decides to go home, Louis takes me home and I ask him to enter. I give him a glass of water and sit on his side.

- So, why did Zayn say that? - I push him to tell me something I know he's been hiding for a while.

- Why does it matter so much to you? - He asks but it doesn't sound like an accusation.

- I just want us to be truthful to each other. I hate when people hide things from me or lie. - I say with indifference. I don't want to accuse him of anything.

- First of all, I want to tell you that I've been truthful to you and never lied, I just didn't tell you before but Harry is my ex. - I feel the lack of air in my lungs.

- What? - I almost scream. I don't know what to think. - How could you not tell me that?

- Why does it matter?

- Why? Because he's your fucking ex. - I get up, he stays on the couch, looking small.

- Is it because I've dated men before? - He sounds a little angry now.

- Of course not, that doesn't matter but I was becoming close friends with him, what if he wanted to do something to me? Or what if I was hurting him talking about you and me? He was obviously hurt by seeing us together.

- Don't be paranoid. - He says but I see he immediately regrets it. - I'm sorry, but it's not like we talk about our exes when we're seeing new people.

- We don't but if this person is going to be around, it would've been nice to have a heads up, you know? It's really hard for me to trust people and this kind of stuff doesn't help. I really want to be open with you Louis but I really need to feel safe with you and know I can trust you. - I pass my hands through my hair.

- Do you not feel safe with me? - He looks hurt.

- That's not what I meant. - I feel the familiar itching in my wrist, begging to be sliced.

- What do you mean then? I really don't see a problem in it, he's my best friend, we are not together anymore and I really like you and want to be with you.

- And how do I know you're not secretly with him? What if I'm just a beard to you? - I impulsively say that and immediately regret it. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that.

- But you did mean to say it right. - He seems angry. - I really wanna be here for you and help you get through this but right now you are hurting me and I know it isn't on purpose so I'm doing us a favor and leaving so you don't say anything else that could hurt me or make you feel bad. I'll call you tomorrow morning, please clear your head so we can talk about it. - If it wasn't for the scratches I'm doing on my wrist, I would think I'm petrified because I'm not moving or saying anything. 

He comes to me, kisses my forehead and leaves. I learned throughout the years to hide my bad habits so he didn't even notice I was hurting myself. I open my bathroom cabinet and grab a bottle of muscle relaxant and take two of them. As I start to feel dizzy I grab my phone and text Niall.

"Hey Nialler, can you please send me Zayn's number?"

"Why?"

"Just pass me the number"