the sweater ~~ jily

24.

Chapter Twenty-Four: A Glimpse Of His Mind

It was after dinner when both Head Boy and Head Girl were needed for their shift. Lily felt awkward to talk to James, she was worried he wouldn't even try to talk to her. Worse, be angry at her. Of course he had every right to be angry at her, Lily was just hoping Remus was right and he wasn't.

Waiting for McGonagall, the two were outside her classroom and leaning on the door. James didn't even look at her, acting as if she didn't exist. Lily noticed his face was red and numb. He took a small glance at her, and for a moment they met eyes.

His eyes were full of pain and worry until he looked away from her. Lily tilted her head slightly before looking down again.

The door opened louder than they both expected and startled them both. Lily jumped but noticed James moved a little closer to him. I guess it's still a habit to save me, she thought. James moved away again.

"Ah, James and Lily. Perfect." said McGonagall. "I'm going to need you to walk around the halls for a bit. Some of the teachers have been suspecting students out of bed. Just for a while, only until eleven if that's okay."

It was half past eight at the time and Lily worried. But she knew this was the perfect opportunity to talk to him. This time, she was going to listen to Remus.

"You can start now," said McGonagall, gesturing them to shoo. James moved first to walk.

Lily caught up with him, walking by his side. She didn't move as close to him as she used to, not wanting to invade his space. She stared at the ground awkwardly.

"Hi," she muttered.

James sighed. "Hi," he whispered softly.

Lily hesitated. "Are you doing okay?"

James didn't answer, so Lily looked up at him. His face was down.

She continued. "I'm sorry, James. I really am, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you but I ended up doing that. I know you might be mad at me —."

"I'm not...mad at you," he interrupted. Lily calmed the slightest. "I can't be mad at you. It just hurt."

Her lips curved into a small smile.

"Can we please not talk about this right now, I don't feel like expressing myself at the moment," he said flatly. Lily nodded.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry."

James didn't respond, just kept walking.

There were slight moments in that hour that they met eyes. Each time, Lily saw the same thing; pain and worry, and each time, Lily still felt bad.

A random topic had crossed her mind; a Wizarding War was going on. She hadn't thought about this for a long time since Hogwarts always made her feel safe. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was gaining more and more followers everyday and Muggles were being murdered.

"J, James?"

"Hmm?" he hummed softly.

"Have you ever thought about the Wizarding War going on right now?" she asked him hesitantly. James shook his head.

"Not really, why?"

"I don't know, I just remembered."

Lily noticed James's lips part as he was about to say something, but hesitated and no sound came out.

It's progress, Lily told herself. The more she was able to strike up a conversation, the more he'd gain her trust and talk to her. It's better than nothing, at least. They weren't talking before, but now James is. Little by little, he'd be able to trust her again.

But Lily wasn't good at starting conversations. What else was there to talk about besides...the kiss? It was much easier when she didn't have to think about what she had to say before it came out.

———

James really wanted to talk to her, he really did, but it wasn't the same. He was scared of being hurt, especially from the girl that mattered to him most. He had nothing to say, he was still upset. It felt like a relief to know that Lily was giving an effort to talk to him, to hear her voice.

But he didn't know if he would be able to believe anything that'll come out of her mouth. How stupid he must think to believe the whole week wasn't a prank? Was he too lost in love?

Maybe he was. All of it was fake. Lily Evans could never feel how he felt for her. That thought made him feel worse. It was his fault for believing all of it was real, not Lily's.

But what about the other moments when Severus wasn't around? Those little moments that mattered to James more than anything. We're those false?

She really treated him as if she returned the feelings for him. It was good while it lasted, probably the best week James has ever had.

"Hello?" Lily's voice rang in his ears. He snapped back into reality.

"What?" said James.

"I said it's eleven...d, d'you wanna walk back to the common room with me?"

James gulped. He wanted to, but his heart didn't want to. It was his fear of being hurt holding him back. "No thank you," he muttered.

Lily gave him a small but sweet smile once more and their eyes met again. His heart was pounding on his ribs looking at her green eyes. James felt like smiling, but he resisted. He shouldn't fall for her games anymore.

"I'll see you at the common room. Good night," Lily told him before walking back.

James didn't know how he was feeling. Some part of him wanted to walk with her, but the other part wanted to let her go. He needed to let her go, he'll see her tomorrow anyways. Just not the same way it was before.

a/n

i'm still in the car!
i like writing in the car, it makes me concentrate better since there's nothing else to do
this chapter (including author's note) is 1,012 words
thanks for reading!

~the sweater