i don't want to be here anymore

dear family... do you really love me?

i didn't think much about this when i wrote it, i thought i was just angry, turns out it was a lot more than angry.

(im changing their names to keep my identity a secret)

April 22, 2020:
Dear Family.
Do you really love me? Do you actually respect me and my decisions? I don't think you do. I always get shut down by you and family is supposed to pick each other up. I will always pick you up, but I never get the same treatment. Whenever I'm with my friends, i never want to come home because I don't feel understood, loved, or cared for.

Walter (step-bro), I know there is a 5 year difference between us and that can make it difficult to be together. But that shouldn't have any effect on how much you care about me. You've shown no effort to show me that you love me. You yell at me and tell me I'm not worth it and Im useless. Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I'm nothing. That i'm a speck of dust and if there is a gust of wind, I would disappear. You make me feel like I am a waste of life and I don't matter.

George (step-bro), I don't believe you are my brother. You sure don't act like it. You fail at making even the smallest of effort to get to know me. I know that you know when I'm sad because it's obvious. You ignore it and let me cry alone. We have no connection what so ever and your like a stranger to me. I look at you, and I don't see someone who loves me or cares about me. You make fun of me constantly and never say anything nice. You tell me to 'shut up' and stay silent.

Paige (sister), you are my blood. You are my sister. You are my best friend. But are you? You constantly tell me to go away, to not bother you, to leave you alone. I'm trying to understand you and let you live, but I need you to meet me halfway. I'm trying my best to be your sister, but your not. I am supposed to look up to you as my 'big sister' and your supposed to lead me. To me, your a bully. The definition of bully is "a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people". I guess that makes me then 'weaker' person. But I don't think I'm weak, I think you are. YOU'RE weak because YOU don't make any attempt to make me or yourself happy. I try to fix our relationship and make it better, you shut me down. I try to have a civilized conversation with you, you either ignore me, or tell me to shut up and keep my mouth closed. Do you know how discouraging it is for me? I'm already scared to be myself, and you make me terrified to be. I always hear that sisters will always be there for you, you need to show it. I try to open myself up to you, you close me immediately. Let me be me and don't be rude to me every time you see me. All of that darkness starts to add up and it may explode.

Tracey (step-mom), you are not my mother. You only pretend to be. I have no problem with you. You are a great person and my dad loves you very much. But I don't feel that connection that a daughter feels for a mom, because you are only my step-mom. You did nothing wrong or anything that hurt me. However you tell me that I talk to much. Am I not allowed to express my opinions with the only group of people who are supposed to understand me? I can't be myself around you without you telling me to do something. It's as if nothing i do is correct or good enough for you. In your perspective, there is always something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. If you were my real mother, you wouldn't fix me, you would accept me for who I am. You, Tracey, are not my mom and I don't know if you ever will be.

John (dad), why won't you say 'i love you'? It's three little words. I have to force it out of you until you say it. You never say it willingly. You have a voice and you don't use it enough. You think that standing by and not talking doesn't create problems, but it does. It shows how little care you give towards me when I'm upset. Yes, I know you lost mom and that has been super hard on you. But have you ever considered me and that she was my mother? That I'm basically at fault for her death and that I blame myself everyday? You and her are the two people who HAVE to except me the way I am. Mom is gone, and she isn't coming back. Please don't leave me alone here in this world. Please be the dad that I need you to be.

God, I don't know how strong my faith is right now. I haven't seen many signs by you to point me in the right direction. Now, I have to move halfway across the country to another state to be alone? The new girl again? It was already hard enough the first time and I don't know how I'm going to do it again. I know your probably watching me above with mom while i'm writing this, but please show me that your here. I want to expand my journey and my faith with you, but I can't do it alone. I know I sound ungreatful for everything I have, but i am greatful, I just needed to express how I'm feeling. Please, Lord, show me that I'm not alone. Show me the better path of my journey. Show me you. Show me the best version I can be. Show me a family that loves me no matter what. Show me peace.

I'm constantly pushing my feelings inside of me, deep, deep, down. They are just there in a giant ball that pulls me down. The weight I feel is not allowing me to be who I am and who I want to be. It's limiting me. I just need to be let free. Please, let me be free.

Sincerely,
anonymous.