i don't want to be here anymore

The first wave

this was the first feeling of being suicidal. it doesn't seem like it at first, but by the end of writing, i was ready to let go.

July 5, 2020:
I miss my step-mom. We left her today. We called for like 4 minutes and I started crying. I didn't know I would miss her this much. I took spending time with her for granted. I also miss my friends. I want to hang out with them, but I can't. Amber and Jessica (my friends) say that since I was in Colorado, that i have to be self-quarantined for 14 days. This is totally unfair. amber goes down to the beach every weekend and doesn't wear a mask at all. It's so stupid. I'm so fkn upset abt that. I have to move. At the same time, i'll miss my friends a lot, but like i don't want to leave. I don't like change. I'm overweight. I weigh 150 pounds. I try to like my body and boost my self confidence. But i'm never good enough for me. I'm too fat for society. Paige (sister) is pretty and skinny, it isn't fair. She is so much smarter. And dad likes her more. my dog's don't even like me. I think sally (friend) doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. Lily (friend) has stayed with me through all of this. I don't deserve her, she is too kind to me. She is so supportive and kind. Jake and I are dating. I don't like him though. I want to, he is literally the perfect guy for me. I don't feel attractive to him. But i don't want to dump him. I feel like I need him in my life to prove that I'm good enough. I just want to give up right now. I don't feel okay. I'm not okay.

(btw looking back on this 2 months later... i dumped jake)

Sincerely,
anonymous.