The Family Pecking Order -- A Memoir

Chapter 11: The World of Sisters

The day before my father's funeral, Ryan and I drove from Ohio over to Indiana. As always when we're together for any length of time, Ryan and I talked non-stop. As we got closer to our destination, our conversation began to focus on what it would be like when we got there.

Ryan asked, "Mom, will all of your sisters be there?"

I replied, "Yes, Ryan, they will. My sisters have already been there for a couple of days. Uncle Jim is there too, with his new fiancé, Jackie. We'll be seeing his children and their families as well. I have always found it awkward being around them. I have hardly ever seen them over the years and really don't know them at all. They might as well be strangers to me."

I continued, "It will be OK though because I'm not going for the purpose of socializing with them or anyone else for that matter. I am so glad you're with me, especially since your father couldn't come with us. It would have been great to have both of you, but you being here makes a big difference for me. I really mean that!"

Ryan responded with some anger in her voice, "Mom, I hope your brother and your sisters will be nice to you this time. They better be or I'll have to say something to them, and I will too. I won't let them be mean to you again."

My daughter is very sensitive to the manner in which I've been treated by my sisters over the years. Ryan has seen my tears, felt my hurt, and heard me express disappointment about the way they talk to me. It makes her angry.

For some unknown reason, maybe because I'm the youngest, my older sisters have never hesitated to criticize me, giving me their uninvited and sometimes harsh opinions. Believe me, over the years, I've heard it all.

"You've gained some weight, haven't you?"

"Your outfit is really interesting; where did you get it?" They don't say it's pretty or nice fabric or that color looks well on you.

"Are you going to church? You know it's important. It's a mortal sin if you're not at Mass on Sunday."

At any one of those times, I wish I had had the courage to respond back to them. Say something like, "Hey, you know it's also a sin to judge and gossip about other people. You're being kind of hypocritical, don't you think?" Or, "Don't you remember Mother telling us that if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, it's better to say nothing at all?"

Standing up to my sisters never seemed worth the big stir it would cause or the nasty scenes it might create. It probably wouldn't change anything anyway. Even if they didn't come right out and say things right to my face, I knew they would be thinking them. Their disapproval and criticism was generally apparent. Staying quiet and keeping my mouth shut always seemed like the best course of action.

Over the years, I've made peace with this situation by deciding to ignore their remarks and comments rather than reacting. Nonetheless, the dread of what they might say hung over me, making me feel anxious about being around them.