Too Young

Five

It was the following morning after Harry took Louis to the ER. Louis' fever had gone down to 100.2 and he was no longer vomiting. That meant that he was free to go back to his and Harry's apartment. Harry held Louis' hand as they both walked out of the hospital, Harry walking a little slower because of his injured foot.

When Louis woke up earlier that morning he hadn't remembered anything from the previous night, but saw the hurt look in Harry's eyes. It had been there for almost a year. That's when Harry's anxiety had gotten worse. Louis hated that he had contributed to Harry's pain. He hated that he was one of the reasons that Harry looked so wounded. When the two of them reached their car they both got in (Louis driving since Harry's foot was injured).

Louis hesitated before he started the car. He set the keys down in his lap and looked over at Harry, who was gazing out the window. He studied the worry lines on Harry's face. Then he remembered back to when they had first met. He remembered the cute, small, nervous, adorable boy he had met, and nearly broke out in tears when he realized how much Harry had changed. Louis couldn't help but let a few tears fall. He felt so exhausted from being ill, and just didn't have the energy to hide his feelings right now.

Louis made a nearly silent whimpering sound as he held back another sob and rested his hands in his head. That got Harry's attention easily, but for once, he didn't know how to comfort the older man. He couldn't comfort Louis at the moment. Not after what he had said that day. Harry had lost the right to comfort Louis. So instead Harry just watched as the love of his life tried to hold back his tears.

"I'm so sorry Lou," he finally managed to say after a few minutes. He felt so trapped right now. He was picking at his fingers again, which disgusted him. It also hurt his already bandaged hand.

"I know," was all Louis said. Neither of them could forgive each other yet.

That's when Harry came to the realization that it isn't working anymore. They were sitting in the parking lot of a hospital, both on the verge of breakdowns because they couldn't even bear to talk to each other. Harry could hardly stand to look at the older boy, and that broke his heart. He had never wanted a relationship like this. He NEVER wanted to be in a position where he was hurting Louis by being with him, and yet here they were.

"Lou," he said, his deep voice filled with sadness. He hated how sad he sounded. He hated how sad he felt. And how nervous he felt. And how he felt like he was on the edge of a cliff and the smallest thing could push him off. He was so scared.

"Haz?" Louis responded, tears falling down his pale cheeks.

"I love you so much it hurts," Harry continued, his heart aching with every word he spoke. He wanted to make sure Louis understood him though, so when the shorter boy didn't reply he repeated, "I love you."

Even though he had said those three words a thousand times to Louis, he meant it. Every. Single. Time.

"I know Haz. I love you too," Louis responded. Some part of Harry was reassured to hear Louis say those words so genuinely, but it was clouded by guilt almost instantly.

"No: I love you so much it hurts," Harry repeated. He was stalling and he knew it. He knew what he had to do, but he was scared. He was scared that the one person that he had loved more than anything in the world would hate him.

"I love you too?" Louis answered again, but now his tone was questioning. He didn't understand what Harry was saying, or what was about to happen.

"It hurts," Harry repeated again. Louis stopped crying for a moment and met Harry's eyes. He was surprised when he looked deeply into Harry's eyes and didn't see a fraction of the man he had fallen in love with. He saw the arguments, and the long nights where they were mad at each other, and when Louis slept on the couch instead of their bed, and Harry's panic attacks, and all the times they had managed to hurt each other.

"No," Louis said firmly, finally realizing what was about to happen, "No," he said again, but this time his voice was a whisper. Harry nodded.

"It hurts how much I love you. It hurts every time I see you cry or frown. And I see you frown everytime you look at me--,"

"Haz--," Louis started to interrupt, but Harry stopped him.

"And that's my fault. I know I'm not the same person that I was when we met, I wish I could be. I wish I could go back to being the man you fell in love with. The truth is: I love you so much Louis William Tomlinson. And I think you love me too. And we would do anything for each other, and we have, but we've torn ourselves apart in the process. And I don't want to be the reason you're in pain. I can't do that to you anymore. I'm sorry Lou," Harry finished. He watched as Louis struggled to find the right words, but he didn't wait. Instead he opened the car door and got out. He shut it softly and walked away.

He just walked away.

He wanted to break down right there. He wanted to run back to the car and hold Louis and tell him he was sorry, but that wouldn't help Louis. Not in the long run. So he just walked away, cringing a little every step he took with his injured foot.

He didn't know where to go, but he knew where he wanted to go. He wanted to go to the Grover's Hotel. He wanted to end it there. But he couldn't. He couldn't do that to his mom or to the boys or to Louis.

You shouldn't be thinking about Louis right now, he reminded himself. That thought alone burned his heart. He wasn't walking in any particular direction, but ended up at a park. There was a giant grass field and he walked to it.

He sat in the grass and pulled out his phone. Surprisingly enough he wasn't crying. He felt numb, and broken, but he also felt like ending things with Louis was the right thing to do. Harry had changed, he didn't even know who he was anymore. But he did know that he was disappointed every morning when he woke up alive.

Harry decidedly pocketed his phone again and laid back on the cool grass. He was only wearing a t-shirt so it tickled the skin of his arms and made him shiver, but he was strangely happy. He felt somewhat free. As cruel as it sounded, he didn't regret his decision to break up with Louis. Harry was hurting him, and he never wanted to drag Louis down. Louis was passionate about everything he did, and he would give away everything for the people he loved. When they first got together, Harry told himself that he would never ask Louis to give part of himself up. Look how that turned out.

He watched as the clouds passed over his head. They were fluffy and white at first, but then gradually turned darker as a storm neared. He felt the warm breeze turn into a cool wind that nipped at his nose and ears. He didn't mind the cold though. He also didn't mind when a light drizzle started to dampen his clothes. Harry felt as some of the droplets of water hit his curls and soaked into his hair. He had cut it recently, so it was no longer the long haired style so many people had adored, but he needed a change. He also donated it, which felt nice. It was nice for him to be able to do something so selfless again.

But now his curls were short and getting wetter with each raindrop that fell. At first there were just a few droplets of water, but then it started actually raining. The clouds were no longer white or fluffy, but rather an angry shade of gray. Harry stuck his tongue out and allowed a few cold drops to land on his tongue before smiling widely.

He spread out his hands and legs so he was in a star position and looked up at the sky. He took in the smell of the rain. The cold wind that made him shiver and feel so alive. He loved the feeling of the rain that was now pouring down. The fat drops were pelting his skin and making him feel numb physically. And for a moment, one terrifying moment, he didn't feel emotionally numb anymore.

In that moment he felt sad, and guilty, and cruel, and scared, and in love, and anxious, and nervous, and happy, and free, and terrified, and a million other emotions.

But he didn't feel numb, and that felt so amazing.

He realized that he had been blinded by his love for Louis. So blinded, in fact that it took him months to realize that they were no longer happy. And as much as that hurt, Harry also felt incredibly relieved.

At that moment, he didn't want to hurt himself or kill himself. He wanted to stay in that moment forever. Unfortunately, reality always seemed to disappoint him.