My Life in Poems

Distractions

I need distractions
Something to get you off my mind
Something to keep me distracted from the emptiness
The emptiness that I feel inside.

Why won't it go away?
Some days I feel so happy and so thankful
But it always seems to fade.

Now I'm back to feeling this emptiness.
This numbness.
I can feel myself drifting backwards
Going down the wrong path again.

I want to fight it but I don't know how
I'm tired of being so exhausted.
I thought I was getting better
I thought I was better now
So why am I feeling this way now?

Why do I feel the emptiness. Why do I feel numb.
Why can't I feel like a normal person?
Why do I feel the burning pressure in my chest again.
Why do my shoulders ache again.
I thought I was past this.

I take that back. I don't think I ever got past this feeling this pain.
I think I just swept it all under the rug
Keeping myself distracted
Pretending like I forgot about everything.
Like these problems aren't still there still here still present

My distractions are gone now.
So what am I to do now?
I know I'll keep fighting
It's just so exhausting
It almost feels better to just be numb

But when I'm numb people notice
I don't like people to notice
I don't like people seeing that I'm in pain
I don't want them to know
My family my friends
I don't want them to know that I'm not as strong as they think I am
I don't want to burden anyone

I'm supposed to be the rock. The glue that holds it all together
But I myself am starting to fall apart
And it's hard to pretend like I'm not.
Its easier when I have a distraction.
But I don't.

So now I'll try to find my distraction.
Hoping it will last when I know it won't.
They always leave. There's always a reason.
And when there isn't one I push them away.
Because I am incapable of fully loving someone.
I used to be. But it's better be to keep a wall up