Mesi d'Amore: Gennaio

010119 - You and I

It's January 1st in Baguio City.

Like in other provinces in North and South Luzon, or in any other places in the country, Baguio has it's grand celebration of New Year too. Plus, it's very cold weather is incomparable. Well, the first month of the year is the coldest month here.

The foggy night sky on high lands was filled with so many colors. Every piece of scattered light debris from each fireworks was like a flower petal blooming at the top of Burnham Park.

Red. Yellow. Blue. Violet. Round-shape. Heart. All I can say was it's very beautiful and amazing. It lights up everything down here. I forgot about my runny nose whenever I inhaled too much smoke. I'm just amazed with the continuity of the Christmas season even though another year has already started. Ganito din pala sa Baguio.

"For sure, masaya sila dun ngayon." I uttered then I decided to step back to my working station. Oo, may trabaho ako ngayon kahit Bagong Taon.

All-over the place, along the Harrison Road beside Burnham Park, our small food stall stands. We serve strawberry sweet delicacies like special strawberry taho, strawberry ice cream, jams and other stuff. And it's been almost two months since I moved here.

Pagmamay-ari ito ng Tita ko na nakapag-asawa dito sa Baguio. May small strawberry farm kasi sila dito. Hindi masyadong maipagmamalaki kagaya ng iba kasi maliit palang din talaga. But they can harvest enough to make tasty strawberry pasalubong na tinitinda ko naman dito sa famous night market.

Tonight, I mean, this very first morning of the year 2019, I'm still busy taking orders from customers wandering around the bustling park, enjoying the coldness of the season. Couples, barkadahan, families cherish their time here with their thick jackets on. Malamig kasi talaga, 13 °C is real. It will drop more this morning sabi sa balita.

It's just past 1 am, an hour after the grand lightings in the air, when people get back on their way in roaming to see more of Baguio's pride in its coldest. Buhay na buhay pa rin ang magagandang pailaw na nakalawit at nakasabit kung saan-saan. Magagarbong parol sa kalsada ang patuloy pa ring nagpapaliwanag sa napakaabalang kalye ni Mang Harrison. Marami pa ring tao ang mas piniling salubungin ang bagong taon sa labas ng kanilang tahanan at samantalahin ang kaakit-akit na tanawin ng lugar.

Well masasabi ko rin isa ako sa kanila. Wala ako sa sarili kong bahay. And I choose to welcome New Year here. Yun nga lang, I'm working. While others are free spirits jumping with so much happiness they feel. Masaya rin naman ako.

By the way, nakalimutan ko palang magpakilala. Ako nga pala si Hugo.

Hugo Ternaez, 19 years old. Isa ako sa mga kabataan na sinasabi nilang naligaw ng landas sa buhay. Hindi po ako sumisinghot ng pulbos o nasangkot sa isang rambulan. Wala rin akong kinasangkutang krimen o iba pang masasamang bagay. Pero para sa kanila, sa pamilya ko na lumaki sa pangangasiwa ng isang sekta ng simbahan, isa akong nilalang na nahiwalay sa kanilang magandang landas dahil sa paniniwalang meron akong nakakahawang sakit -- ang pagiging isang bakla.

Bata palang ako, kapansin-pansin ang lambot sa aking pagkilos at pananalita. Hindi rin ako nakatakas sa mapanlait na mundo ng mga bata sa tuksuhang 'Bakla! Bakla! Bakla!'. Hanggang sa mag-highschool ako, bitbit ko ang natural na kahinhinan sa aking personalidad. Hindi nga ako natuto ng mga larong panlalaki eh. Dun lang ako sa sports na hindi masyadong kailangan ng pisikalan. Table tennis. At mga actividades na ginagamitan ng utak tulad ng chess and scramble. Mabilis akong nakapag-adjust sa mundo kahit alam kong medyo iba ako sa nirerequire ng society na maging ako.

Kahit papaano, naramdaman kong maging malaya sa eskwela dahil nakasanayan ko na rin naman ang mapang-uyam na binibigkas at mga tingin ng mga tao sa paaralan. Mas magaan pa tuloy ang loob ko roon kaysa sa oras pag nasa bahay ako. Sa bahay kasi, hindi ako komportable.

Even though my father and mother always preach to me about the creation of man and a woman, I'm not used to it. Its very uncomfortable to lecture me kahit alam kong alam naman na nila ang estado ko. Hindi lang nila ako madirekta na, 'Magpakalalaki ka na.'

Actually, I tried. During my 8th grade, I helped myself to be infatuated with the opposite gender. That time, I thought about being disgrace in my family kapag ipinagpatuloy ko pa ang kalambutan ko. What will others say about my father and mother, who manage the church but they can't manage their son to be a man. But the result was totally different. Imbes na magustuhan ko yung isa kong kaklaseng babae, I became interested to my new guy friend.

Yung pagkakataaon na pinipilit kong tingnan ang magandang katangiang pisikal at kalooban ng isang babae, mas napag-alaman ko na hindi pala yun ang hanap ko. That feeling of fast heartbeat and shyness, I found it in a guy. And that was the day I realized, discovered and fully understood having a girl's souls trapped in a boy's body.

Yun rin ang oras na isinuko ko ang pagiging unico hijo ko. Walang pag-amin naganap. Ipinagpatuloy ko lang ang mga araw kasama ng masayang ideya na may ibang inspirasyon na ako maliban pa sa aking pamilya.

Nagdaan ang taon at mas namukadkad ang pagiging dalaga ng puso ko imbes na maging binata. Pero hindi ako tulad ng iba na nagdadamit babae, nagpapahaba ng buhok o iba pa. Simple pa rin akong pumorma, pero mas naging halata ang pagkababae ko sa harap ng maraming tao. In one shot of conversation, one can really define my gender orientation. And that's a real problem in our family.

I felt suffocated, tired and emotionally hurt because my parents cannot accept me. Kaya I decided to ask my Aunt here in Baguio to adopt me for a while. She's the only one who can understand me, my Tita Rita.

She loves me for who I am, ever since. I never get awkward too show and express the real me in front of her. She's like an older sister to me with a 15-year gap. Siya kasi ang bunso sa magkakapatid nila Mommy, and she's not against about me being a flower. I'm grateful to have her.

That's the short story kung bakit niya ako pwinesto sa foodstall niya dito sa Burnham Park. It's my choice to work right now, as well. In fact, she insisted that I take my day off to celebrate with them and even whispered to me to get back home, but I resisted.

Para sakin, it's better to get busy and let this first day of 2019 pass smoothly with no trouble. Or else, it will be all-year round.

Bandang mag-a-alas cinco y media, may isang grupo ng magkakaibigan ang napadpad sa harap ng tindahan. Agad akong tumayo sa pagkakaupo sa likod ng cashier's desk at binati sila ng magandang umaga.

Lima sila na may tatlong lalaki at dalawang babae. Halos parang magkaka-edad sila. Mga bakasyonista rin sila panigurado dito sa Baguio. Well, magandang plano na mag-stay sila dito for couple of days to runaway from the heat of city rush.

Then I was suddenly dumbstruck when I saw a familiar face in one of them. Oh my! Siya ba yun?

One of them, a girl gave me a sweet smile and nod then go back to the menu poster above the cashier's desk, kung saan ako sandaling natulala sa nakita ko.

Felix Andante? Ikaw ba 'yan? Pilit kong inuusisa ang mukha ng lalaki na napanggigitnaan ng kanyang mga kasama habang nagtatalo sa kung anong oorderin nila.

Pasimple akong nasulyap sa binata hanggang sa napansin ko na papalapit na siya sa pwesto ko. Shit! Baka makilala niya ako.

"Um. We'll take 3 strawberry taho and 2 ice creams." His husky voice echoed as if we're in a confined space. Like the first time we met. "And do you have coffee?"

Isa si Felix sa masasabi kong gwapo sa lahat ng naging crush ko in my 19 years of existence. His over-all feature and physique is so manly yet innocent and charming. Kahit masyado akong nalunod sa sobrang kagwapuhan niya, hindi naman nawala ang focus ko sa trabaho. Today, we're not alike before; He's my customer and I'm a food server. Actually we don't have such a relationship or acquainted before, we just met by chance inside a room, by a game. A straight and a gay inside a room for 10 minutes while everybody outside teased us to make love.