Could this be love?

I Understand

Trigger Warning- Suggestion of self harm (stay clean kids)

Soyeons POV

Another diner, another fight which leads to another drive. This time I don't know where to go, I know that Soojin is busy on a date tonight so that's a no go. Miyeon? She's at her grandparents. I've never been to Minnies and Shuhuas... I guess that leaves one place. Why must it be her? At least there's no blood this time... That doesn't mean that things were any different in the emotional department, but if I'm with Yuqi I'll need an excuse. Hm...maybe help with my music? That'll calm me down and actually be fun maybe? I just hope she can sing okay with that man voice of hers.

Oh parents how can I please you...?

Flashback

"Stop it with this attitude Soyeon!"

"You're always so moody!"

"You can choose to be happy you know!?"

"Just put on a smile, make others happy even if you may not be feeling your best!"

"Everyone has bad days Soyeon."

On and on and on. The same message, I understand what they mean, it's just not that simple, why can't they understand me? Should I smile even though I'm sad? I can't help but feel sad can I or else I'd choose to be happy always! Our brains are sick, mine, theirs, everyone's, but that's just fine. No one is really sane right? We all think and feel differently, how can we say one is sane and the other isn't? What if your sad is my normal? But apparently that's not normal... It's okay not to be okay, I guess it's just not okay to be me...

"CAN YOU EVEN HEAR WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY?! I DON'T WANT TO BE SAD I-I just am! It's so FRUSTRATING  and your constant YAMMERING only adds to that! Things are better if I say goodbye and goodnight!" I yell leaving the kitchen to my bedroom.

I pack spare clothes for the next day. Thank god it's Friday ha. I grab two oversized hoodies, one for the road and one for tomorrow. I also pack my recording kit, toothbrush, keys, something for a little fun and head out of the door.

End of flashback

I knock at Yuqis apartment door and wait for a reply. A minute passes. Come on Yuqi you are not asleep right now! I knock hard on the door with my right hand as my left is clutching tightly on my overnight bag. I hear footsteps coming from the other side of the door. About time goddamit.

"Uh Soyeon Unnie? It's after midnight, what are you doing here?" Yuqi said while giving a little stretch and a yawn. Aw come on that's just too cute.

"Thanks for the time pabo. We're having a sleepover" I answer with the biggest smile I could muster, before ducking under her arm and into her apartment.

"Eh? This late? Was this planned? Did I forget? Are the others coming?" Yuqi asked, obviously confused by my antics. Oddly, I am already feeling a little better.

"God, so many questions Song Yuqi. Don't you want to spend some time alone with me?" I teased with a little smirk on my face.

~~Time Skip~~

We both listen to the new melody I had come up with. It turns out that her singing is better than okay, it's beautiful. Is there anything she can't do? I don't think so, though I'd never tell her that her heads big enough. When she sings it's like seeing a completely different side to the girl. She seems so sincere. It's not hard to appreciate how she wears her heart on her sleeve. Her confidence is really...attractive? I'm attracted to her? She's made it pretty obvious that she's into me right? I mean she described me that at the sleepover? Was she just winding me up? Did she and Shuhua actually do something in that closet? Why would she do that though! Why am I bothered? I'm...jealous? I guess I must like her, I'm okay with that if that's the case. But what does that mean for me?

"HEY SOYEON! Ah thought I lost you there, what you thinking about?...Me?" Yuqi said and gave a really bad over dramatic wink.

"Hm maybe. Would that be so bad?" I said in a monotone voice. Yuqi looked me straight in my eye and I noticed how her eyebrow raised a little.

"Not at all. You wanna take a break?" Yuqi asked. I just give a little nod as a response.

Yuqi left the room for a second and I'm left alone. Even if I liked her, even if she liked me back. I don't deserve her. I deserve nothing but pain. I lift up the sleeve of my oversized jumper and gently brush my finger tips against the scabs left from hard nights that covered my wrist. I hear the door of the room open and quickly pull down my sleeves. She was just standing there in the door frame. She didn't see did she? Please tell me she didn't. I can't deal with people knowing. What's she thinking? Is she disgusted by me now?

"Yu-" I tried to say before being cut off.

"Soyeon. Are you okay?" Yuqi said with a concerned voice. Shit she must have seen. How do I explain myself. Oh shit my heart rate is off the charts right now. I can't breathe.

"Soyeon? Soyeon! Ok breathe, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry breathe." Yuqi said while running towards me. I'm physically shaking. Why can't I breathe properly. I grip hard onto my jumper near my chest, god please, breathe.

"Ah shit how can I help you. This is a anxiety attack right? Um I-" Yuqi said before cutting herself off by pressing her lips against mine. She isn't moving an inch and neither do I. She then pulls away and just stares at me with a curious look plastered on her face.

"What was that for?" I asked, apparently my breathing had neutralized, but my cheeks now burnt bright red I can feel it.

"I-I read s-somewhere that k-kissing can s-stop a-a panic attack s-so I-I y-yeah, sorry..." She somehow manages to stutter almost every word that left her mouth.

"Oh ok. I'm tired we should probably sleep" I said. No I'm not, I'm wide awake, and I wish she'd kiss me again.

"Ok follow me. You don't mind s-sharing a bed do you?" Yuqi asks stuttering almost gone now.

"No" I answer. Not at all.

Laying on the bed with Yuqi besides me is pure torture. She kissed me! Did she really read that somewhere or is she lying? Soojin never calmed me down like that. Yuqis right next to me, I could just turn around and kiss her. She's so close yet so far, I wish she'd come closer, but I can't bare to look her in her eyes. So I just lay there back facing Yuqi. As if god had heard my prayers I felt an arm wrap it's way around my waist. She's hugging me. I then felt her body press up against mine and I become stiff at the sensation my body sent me. When I feel a leg drapes it's way over mine I can't take it no more. I turn around.

"Y-yuqi?" I whispered.

But no response came from the girl. There she lay eyes closed, lips parted slightly and fast asleep. Our faces are so close that one wrong move would end up in an uncomfortable conversation. She looks so beautiful. I feel safe and I feel warm. I finally understand what happened fourteen years ago. I like girls and I'm okay with that, I like Yuqi and I'm okay with that. Thanks to you, I understand.

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Whoop whoop! Yuyeon moves! Stay safe Xx