╭Lamented╮

Chapter 6

Karin

"Toshiro," I mumbled. The quietness and nonchalance to my voice couldn't possibly convey my shock. The unexpected glued me to the floor. I couldn't move and I wasn't sure if I should move. A clash between two swordsman was intense and with that, came the worry of the outcome.

He was a captain and his duty was putting his life on the line to keep balance between living and non-living - to keep the peace. It was something he explained, but seeing him fighting now, it was unnerving. The boy that would talk to me about his daily troubles, and I doing the same, was someone thrice - probably much more - my age who attacked to kill. I wasn't sure what that was either; all I knew was he must've been someone bad if Toshiro was clashing blades with him.

I hadn't expected such a scary-serious expression on his face too.

It made me realize how little I knew of his world. A reason I wanted to talk to him: I wanted to get to know him better. My eyes trailed off to the chain and back to the previous scene I was watching.

Look at me, the life I had has been gone for years and I am still stuck here. Wanting to get to know someone who has a new life - long ago accepting his life was over.

I watched a long and gruesome fight from a safe distance. Everytime he was hit and pushed back I felt my anxiety push needles into my heart simultaneously my heart would drop. I saw there were others that soon gave back-up. It was a relief, but it also brought a sense of guilt.

I did not and could not do anything for him. Guilt, I felt that.

It stopped me from approaching him. I couldn't.

Slowly, I made my way back to my grave. Why am I like this? A part of me wanted to turn back and go see how he was doing, but I was being a coward again for no reason. I knew that I couldn't do anything to help, but I still had the need to lament. Lament about something that needed none of that - no regret and no grief.

I scoffed in a sick humor. Why am I like this? The same as before when I turned away from facing those with pain? Pain that I couldn't handle seeing? Is that it?

I am such a coward!

My legs stopped moving here and there - stammering and hesitating. I couldn't find myself to stop, but part of me wanted to turn around. The look of pain etched upon my families face haunted me. It was the motivation needed to run away from my problems. Though, this was what I was waiting for, right? I was worried of him, right?

I was truly a coward who couldn't face her problems - her traumatic experience of death.

My running was cut off short by a pain. It was like a stab in the heart. Once I felt the overwhelming pain, I was reduced to sitting on my knees. I had an odd feeling that something was being released, but it wasn't the first time I'd felt this. It wasn't the first time I felt this pain either. But it was never so intense!

While my hand was put onto my chest, I could clearly feel my heart race. The beating was fast - too fast. My best option was to take deep breaths and calm my heartbeat. It gave me a bitter-sweet flashback of the days I would do these stretches to warm myself up and cool myself off before and after soccer games. It was fun while it lasted.

I breathed out.

The pain was still there. I have to be patient. I have to stop being hostile.

I kept telling myself this, but it was doing only so much.

Another throb of pain.

I gritted my teeth. I want to see him one more time. Please give me... I lifted myself up, but it was more difficult than calming my breathing.

I don't want to see him like that, I don't want to face my family and I do at the same time.

I just need... I just need...

... a little more time.

I heard footsteps and yelling of a name that I didn't expect to hear. The voices were unfamiliar to me. "Toshiro, wait!" I heard them shout.

Before I could process, I flinched at the voice I do know. The voice that had said my name with ease, despite his hesitance when we first met.

"Karin!" He shouted.