Romangst || A Sanders Sides One-Shot Compilation

apology

Hey'all! Just a small one today - based on some real events that weren't great so try and keep any comments respectful in this chapter.

WARNINGS: suicide attempt, being shamed for a suicide attempt, being /blamed/ for a suicide attempt, blaming oneself, self-hatred, yelling, semi-toxic parenting, a whole fucking lot of projecting, open ending

Enjoy this I guess

"Can you go downstairs and tell Remus to come up here?" Roman pulled out his earbuds when his mom continued. "He's been sulking down there all day because your father grounded him."

"Yeah, I'll go." Roman sighed and put his earbuds in his pocket, taking the stairs two at a time. Remus's room was at the end of the hall, door shut tightly. Like it always was.

Roman knocked a few times before speaking.

"Remus, mom needs you, come on out of your cave."

Silence. Ugh, great, now he had to go into the tragic kingdom that was his brothers bedroom. He probably had headphones on or he was just ignoring him.

"Dude, let's go, you're already in trouble from this morning." Roman groaned, knocking loudly a few more times in an attempt to avoid the inevitable. Still nothing. Of course.

"I'm coming in there, and you better have clothes on." he warned loudly, trying the doorknob. It was locked and he rolled his eyes, using his fingernail to unlock it thanks to it being a cheapo doorknob.

"Remus, what the fuck are you doing?" Roman demanded, poking his head inside and grimacing at the weird smell. Though, the room was tidier than it usually was, it still reeked of whatever it was that Remus kept in here. Remus was lying on his bed, eyelids barely moving when Roman spoke.

"Are you seriously pretending to be asleep? Mom's gonna be pissed at you if she has to come down here."

No response. Roman frowned uneasily, walking in and glancing around the room once more.

"Remus?"

There was a large bottle of painkillers on his brothers nightstand. Weird. He thought that had been in the medicine cabinet.

"Dude, get up." Roman shook his brothers shoulder, but Remus didn't react. The movement, however, caused his hand to fall to the side revealing a few of the pills on the mattress underneath it.

"...Remus?" Roman froze, heart clenching. "Very funny, you dick. Get up!"

A piece of paper on the mattress caught Romans eye and he grabbed it, panic taking over.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Roman sprinted out of the room, finding their mother in the kitchen where he'd left her.

"Where's Remus?"

"I..." Roman swallowed past his terror, handing her the note. "I think he took a bunch of medicine... I-"

She pushed past, going down to Remus's bedroom. Roman followed, swallowing the fearful sobs in his throat as she took his pulse, then picked up the bottle and shook it. It sounded nearly full.

"Remus, that's enough. I know you didn't take enough for anything to happen because this is basically a new bottle. Get up."

Remus mumbled something, moving as if he tried to get up before flopping back down facefirst.

Roman backed up, tears rolling down his face as the realization of what he'd walked in on fully set in. He abandoned the room, locking himself in his own upstairs before letting a sob escape.

What if Remus died? What if he died and he hated Roman or thought Roman hated him or what if it was Roman's fault? The note said it was his fault! Why was this happening? He didn't understand... Roman buried his face in the pillows, sobbing as the terror continued to race through him. Terror, grief, shock, you name it Roman was feeling it.

Sure, he argued with his brother, and he thought the kid was an idiot, but he'd never want Remus to die! Let alone kill himself! Why hadn't he seen the signs? He should be able to see the signs - he's gone through this to some extent! He'd never actually tried, but still...

He could hear their mother yelling.

"Did you want me to call the cops? I would have! You think you can just do something like this for your brother to find? He's upstairs sobbing his heart out because of you! I know you hear it, and I know you know this isn't funny!"

Remus's voice replied, tearful and panicked. Roman felt a wave of relief rush through him. Remus wasn't dead. He was alive.

Their voices went up the stairs and he could hear his brother vomiting in the bathroom, while their mom stood outside and continued speaking - not quite yelling anymore - about how this was unacceptable.

The sobs died down as Roman's panic receded, but now he was left feeling dried out and guilty.

He didn't know what to think. Had Remus even taken enough to do anything? Had this all been a cruel joke to get back at Roman for whatever it was they'd argued about? If it was real... how must Remus feel at the way their mom was talking about it? He had no idea what to do... so he buried himself in his pillows and stuffed animals, listening as the discussion petered off and the house fell silent once again.

A few minutes - maybe hours? - later, a soft knock echoed on Roman's door.

"Roman... I'm sorry." it was Remus. His voice was still choked up and scratchy, and Roman heard the thump of his head resting on the other side of the door. "I'm really sorry."

Roman didn't say anything. He couldn't, really. One of the perks of being Roman was the fact that he went nonverbal when overly stressed. He hoped Remus didn't think he was mad.

Was he mad?

Roman didn't know.

Remus walked away a few minutes later, but Roman stayed buried in his cave of bedding. He didn't know what to do... or how he felt about any of this.

Roman didn't know anything, but he hated the way he felt right now.

Anyway yeah that's that... sorry updates have been slow lately! A bit of writers block that I'm trying to work through! A few requests should come soon, so keep an eye out for that! <3

Love you all,

-Nub