HEROINE • Yoonmin

(5)

"This is going to sound totally weird, and it's okay if you don't want to, but, do you maybe wanna play some cards?" I asked hesitantly. Jimin was laying on his bed, curled up in a little ball and on his phone. He had his legs tucked inside of his hoodie. All this kid wears is hoodies. His whole closet is full of them.

"Oh?" He sounded surprised. "I mean— Sure. What game?" He slowly unfolded himself in a way that I've seen before, but on myself. He's feeling anxious.

I sat down on the floor with my back against my bed, and he did the same. I began dealing out Uno cards. I found some in my bag. My mom must have stuffed them in there when I was packing.

Last week, I went out and got Christmas lights from a hardware store, as well as that house plant I talked about getting. It's sitting in the window now. I wrapped a strand of golden lights around my bed frame, and gave him a strand, too. The room was filled with a calming yellow glow. I like it.

"Are you alright?" I decided to ask, picking up my cards. Sometimes just asking this question is enough for someone to feel a little bit better. Knowing they can release a little bit of steam if they so chose to.

"Yeah," he cleared his throat, "I'm just feeling a bit stressed over a class project."

"Ah," I said, not really knowing how else to reply.

"So, tell me a little more about yourself?" Jimin prompted. I bit my cheek and thought for a second. There's not much about me to tell.

"Uhm," As I thought, I couldn't help but stare at him in the dim light. He looked much smaller now than he usually does. His hood was down, though. His hair was a bit messy, bleached blonde, and growing in dark at the roots.

"I love farm animals. There's not much to me, honestly, I'm not very interesting. I used to have a pet hedgehog." (A/N: RIP my three babes)

"What kind of music do you like?" He wondered, placing down a +2 card.

"Anything, usually. What about you? Anything fun or interesting about yourself?" I chuckled softly and made him draw four cards, changing the color to red.

"You're mean." He shook his head and drew his cards, "There isn't much to know about me. I'm kind of boring. Uh... My favorite color is red."

"Oh! Same, although I'm more into a deeper red."

"I like the pastels, or maroon."

"I can tell, judging from your wardrobe." I joked.

"Uno." He said, smirking. "Got any interesting hobbies?" He grabbed the deck and began to reshuffle them, "Got any weird habits, or pet peeves, or things people do that make you wanna scream? Oo, how about any of your deepest darkest secrets that you've never told anyone." Jimin chuckled, dealing us each seven cards.

"I mean, I' gay, if that counts as a deep dark secret—" I immediately clamped my hand down over my mouth and my body locked up, I caught my breath. Holy fuck. No no no no no. I didn't just say that out loud.

He looked confused at my reaction for a second before shrugging and looking back at his cards, "Me too."

He looked back up at me after a few moments, seeing that I was still paralyzed. I just outed myself to my roommate. Oh god. I've never even said anything like that before. Obviously I've come to terms with it internally, just never verbally.

"Hey, you're okay." His eyes softened, "I won't tell anyone."

The sincerity in his voice calmed me down. I lowered my hand, but still kept my arms close to my body. When I get anxious, I tend to curl up into a tight little ball of fear.

"I'm going to take a guess and say you've never told anyone before, judging by your reaction. I don't think you intended on saying that."

I shook my head, "Nope."

"Well, I'm honored to be the first to know, Even if it was unintentional.Your secret's safe with me, only my old friend from high school, junior year, knows. But he's dead now, so technically that means you're the only living person to know." He laughed, placing down a green seven.

My eyes widened at his comment.

"Shit, sorry. I forget you aren't used to my way of talking yet. I use dark humor to cope," he pointed finger guns at the roof, "it's remained the most beneficial through the years. Don't worry, though, I'm just kidding. I have two friends here who know."

"I get that. I just wasn't expecting such a turn of events." I said, feeling myself ease back down. I slumped down against the frame a bit, feeling my muscles relax.

"It feels good, doesn't it?"

"What?"

"To finally say it."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Bet it felt like you were holding your breath for so long. But now that it's out, you can feel more at peace with yourself. Or, at least, that's how it felt for me. I only told my friend because it was eating me alive, and I almost killed myself because of it." He laughed, "And then a year later he did it instead but oh well." He shrugged. "Fuck— Sorry, Yoongi. I need to stop talking like that, anyways. I'm trying to be not a major depresso this year. Just kick me if I say something more like that."

"I'm not going to kick you, but I'll just tell you to stop. I mean, there's healthier ways to cope with trauma. Have you tried going to therapy?"

"Once. Didn't work very well. Plus, it's too expensive." He shook his head, "I used to live with my aunt, she's not doing too well financially. I'm only here on a scholarship and some loans."

"Ah," I placed down one of my final cards, nearing the end. "I use school as a coping mechanism. I turn on loud, brain-numbing music and immerse myself in work until I essentially forget the rest of the world exists. It's kinda nice sometimes."

He set down his cards and leaned towards me, holding out his pinkie finger, "I want to pinkie promise you that I won't tell anyone. You've just unleashed one of your biggest secrets on me, and I don't want you to feel all anxious about it for who knows how long."

I locked my pinkie with his and he smiled.