we loved with a love that was more than love // JENLISA

25

You can barely stop yourself from bouncing with excitement.

This hasn't happened in a long time -- two or three foster homes ago, at least. And even then it was done at a neighbor's kitchen table. It wasn't anything special. Not like this.

You grip the metal arms of the chair and cross your legs at the ankle in an attempt to stay still. (Staying still is important, you remember.)

In the mirror, you see your moms standing off to the side talking to Mona, who you'd just met. She has a round, friendly face and grayish purple hair -- the same color as Lily's favorite toy pony. Jennie said she's been "going to her" for years, which made you feel special and grown up. You like sharing things with your Ma.

Lisa catches your eye in the reflection. She raises her brows, checking in, and you give her a thumbs up. It was her idea to take a "before" photo outside on the sidewalk, and you're glad she thought of it.

Jennie and Mona finish their discussion and everyone turns to you.

"You ready, kiddo?" Jennie asks. You nod vigorously, gripping the chair even tighter.

Mona stands right behind you and steps on something -- a pedal, maybe -- that makes your chair rise up, inch by inch. "Okay, Ella," she says, running her fingers down to the ends of your hair. "Let's get started."

***

Getting your hair trimmed was just the kickoff to a very big week. Maybe your biggest ever. Tomorrow you and your moms will go to court for... something you try not to think about too much... and then the day after that is the Summer Sock Hop.

Your therapist said that one of the best ways to calm your nerves is to break a big event into a bunch of teeny tiny pieces that you can take one at a time, so that's what you try to do.

Earlier, you got your hair trimmed. Then you took your after photo (and a selfie with your moms). Next, you went to the ice cream parlor for lunch, where Lisa "missed" Jennie's mouth when feeding her a spoonful of black raspberry just so she could kiss it off. And now you're in your room, deciding what to wear tomorrow.

Tomorrow's event -- the one you're trying not to think about -- is making you feel all funny. It's like every possible emotion is swirling around inside you and you never know which one you're going to get in any given moment. Sometimes when you're scared you act angry, and when you're happy you act sad. It's like your brain's got all its wires crossed.

Here, looking into your closet, you feel that happy-sadness creeping in.

None of your other foster parents had a lot of money, and you can tell your moms don't either. But you wouldn't know that by the state of your closet, which is practically bursting at the seams with all of the pretty things they've bought for you.

You thought it might be hard to choose an outfit for tomorrow, but before you even realize it you're reaching for a hanger in the far right corner. On it is one of the first dresses your moms bought you -- soft and slipper-pink, like the cherry blossoms on the backyard tree.

As you take the dress off the rack, something else catches your eye. Behind it, wedged in the farthest corner of the closet, is the hand-me-down dress you wore on your very first day here.

You touch the back of your neck. The tag was so itchy.

Scratchy clothing was the least of your problems that day. You had a million emotions cycloning inside you then, too. You were grumpy about your new buzzcut, upset from having to leave Luca, and wary of what these new foster parents would be like.

But then, despite everything the world had taught you about life, things got better, and better, and better. You blink hard and try to ignore the thought that's always there in the back of your mind, telling you that no one can be this lucky.