Me Being Random

My Dark Thoughts *

TW: Thoughts of suicide, self harm and degradation.
Reader Discretion Is Advised

This is a different kind of story than you guys are used to.
This is the story of my several suicide attempts, I've finally got the courage to write about and post it. It takes place several years ago and I'm doing somewhat better now.

The thoughts started when I was around 11 years old. Two of my cousins had moved in with my family. All of us lived in one big house; Mom, Dad, my older sister, my older sibling, me, my cousin, my younger brother and my younger cousin. I was really close to my cousin, Laticia, because we were only a few months apart.

One day, it was just us kids; me, Laticia, my little brother, Caspian, and my little cousin, Freddie. It was one of the rare days we all got along. We were running around having a lot of fun. At one point, we all used our socks to slide on the floor, right into the wall, one by one. We hadn't noticed we made a dint until the rest of my family got home and my mom saw it.

Of course, we all denied but since I was in charge I was the one who got yelled at. My mom blamed me, saying I was the only one big enough to put a dint in the wall. No one stood up for me and she kept screaming, no matter what I said.

The thoughts started after it was over and I was sent to my room. Because I was alone, the thoughts and voices felt really loud.

You're fat. You're useless. You can't do anything right. This family is better off without you. Things like that.

It felt like it lasted forever. A while later, I opened my door and saw that everyone was in the garage. I had to sneak past the wide open garage door to get to the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, I ducked behind the island and grabbed Caspian's allergy pills. I dumped the half full bottle of pills into my hand and swallowed them all whole. A few got stuck in my throat and I started choking. I thought I was going to die, right then and there. My vision was blurring and I could barely move.

Next thing I know, Laticia is shaking me and hitting my back. The few pills that got stuck in my throat unlodged and I spit them out.

"What are you doing? What happened?" She asked frantically as I caught my breath. I told her I took all of the pills and showed her the empty bottle.She, of course, was scared for my life. I begged her not to say anything to anybody and she reluctantly agreed. She helped me hide the bottle and we never mentioned it again.

The second incident was the most life changing.

This happened 3 years ago, when I was 13 years old. My family moved into a much smaller apartment due to losing my dad and my sister moving out. My mom and I got into a huge argument, resulting in her pinning me down two different times. I remember seeing through my teary vision, my older sibling, Zaylen, trying to get to us and help me. But my older sister, Briallen, held them back and kept them away as I cried out for them.

I remember hyperventilating and knocking my desk full of things over at some point. I felt angry, upset, pressured and overwhelmed. Finally, I was able to get away from her and ran outside. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I just sat behind the car, not really hiding but trying to stay out of sight. I was lost in my dark thoughts and they just kept coming.

I wonder if I could just lay in the street and wait for someone to drive over me.

A little later, my mom came out and found me.
"I called the cops. They're going to come get you. If they don't take you, I'm taking you to your Nana's."
Then, she just walked away.

I didn't answer her because I was still in my head. Thinking about all the times things would have been better without me in the picture. Less arguments in the family, less food needed to be bought, less clothes and shoes needed to be bought, less money needed to be spent.