The Hobbit: Battle of the 5 armies (male reader Insert)

Chapter 3: War

[Bilbo puts on the vest]
Bilbo Baggins: I look absurd. I'm not a warrior, I'm a Hobbit.
Thorin: It is a gift, a token of our friendship. True friends are hard to come by.
[suddenly he pulls Bilbo to the side]
Thorin: I have been blind, but now I'm beginning to see. I am betrayed!
[Bilbo looks nervous]
Bilbo Baggins: Betrayed?
Thorin: The Arkenstone...one of them has taken it. One of them is false.
Bilbo Baggins: Thorin, the quest is fulfilled, you've won the Mountain. Is that not enough?
Thorin: Betrayed by my own kin.
Bilbo Baggins: No, uh...you...you made a promise to the people of Lake-town. Now is this treasure truly worth more than your honor? Our honor, Thorin. I was also there, I gave my word.
Thorin: For that, I'm grateful. It was nobly done. But the treasure in this Mountain does not belong to the people of Lake-town. This gold...is ours, and ours alone.
[as Bilbo looks at Thorin he begins to sound more and more like Smaug]
Thorin: With my life I will not part with a single coin. Not one piece of it.
[Legolas and Tauriel arrive in Gundabad]
Tauriel: Gundabad. What lies beyond?
Legolas: An old enemy. The ancient Kingdom of Angmar. And this fortress was once its stronghold. It is where they kept their great armories, forged their weapons of war.
Tauriel: A light. I saw movement.
Legolas: We wait for the cover of night. It is a fell place, Tauriel. In another age our people waged war on those lands.
[he looks away a moment as if recalling a memory]
Legolas: My mother died there. My father does not speak of it. There is no grave, no memory, nothing.
[as the people of Lake-town are preparing their armor Gandalf rides into Dale]
Gandalf: Let me through! Make way!
[he notices the Elves teaching the people of Lake-town how to fight]
Alfrid: No, no, no! Oi, you! Pointy hat!
[Gandalf looks over to Alfrid]
Alfrid: Yes, you. We don't want no tramps, beggars nor vagabonds around here. We've got enough trouble without the likes of you. Off you go. On your horse.
Gandalf: Who's in charge here?
Bard: Who is asking?
[Gandalf turns to face Bard]
[later Gandalf is in a private meeting with Thranduil and Bard]
Gandalf: You must set aside your petty grievances with the Dwarves. War is coming. The cesspits of Dol Guldur have been emptied. You're all in mortal danger.
Bard: What are you talking about?
Thranduil: I can see you know nothing of wizards. They are like winter thunder on a wild wind, rolling in from a distance breaking hard in alarm. But sometimes a storm is just a storm.
Gandalf: Not this time. Armies of Orcs are on the move. These are fighters, they have been bred for war. Our enemy has summoned his full strength.
Thranduil: Why show his hand now?
Gandalf: Because we forced him. We forced him when the company of Thorin Oakenshield set out to reclaim their homeland. The Dwarves were never meant to reach Erebor, Azog the Defiler was sent to kill them. His master seeks control of the Mountain, not just for the treasure within, but for where it lies, its strategic position. This is the gateway to reclaiming the lands of Angmar in the North. If that fell Kingdom should rise again Rivendell, Lórien, the Shire even Gondor itself will fall.
Thranduil: These Orc armies you speak of, Mithrandir, where are they?
[outside a cave of stones]
Ragash: [subtitled] Our army will be in position by dawn. The attack will be sudden and swift!
Azog: [subtitled] The fools! They have forgotten what lives beneath these lands. They have forgotten the great Earth-eaters.
[Azog and Ragash ride off; back to Legolas and Tauriel keeping watch at Gundabad]
Tauriel: [subtitled] If we are going in we should move now.
[suddenly a horde of large bats appear flying above them]
Tauriel: [subtitled] They are swarming.
Legolas: These bats are bred for one purpose.
Tauriel: For what?
Legolas: For war.
[they notice Bolg summoning the rest of the Orc forces, along with the horde of giant bats]
Tauriel: [subtitled] We must warn the others.
Legolas: [subtitled] We may be too late – hurry!
[Legolas and Tauriel hurry off]
[back in Dale Gandalf is still trying to talk Thranduil round to not attacking the dwarves]
Gandalf: Since when has my council counted for so little? What do you think I'm trying to do?
Thranduil: I think you're trying to save your Dwarvish friends. And I admire your loyalty to them. But it does not dissuade me from my cause. You started this, Mithrandir, you will forgive me if I finish it.
[turning to one of his elves]
Thranduil: Are the archers in position?
Elf: Yes, My Lord.
Thranduil: Give the order. If anything moves on that mountain, kill it. The Dwarves are out of time.
[Bilbo sneaks out of the mountain at night and runs towards Dale; back in Dale]
Gandalf: You, bowman! Do you agree with this? Is gold so important to you? Would you buy it with the blood of Dwarves?
Bard: It will not come to that. This is a fight they cannot win.
[suddenly Bilbo appears]
Bilbo Baggins: That won't stop them. You think the Dwarves will surrender? They won't. They will fight to the death to defend their own.
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!
[they meet in Thranduil's tent]
Thranduil: If I'm not mistaken, this is the Halfling who stole the keys to my dungeons from under the nose of my guards.
Bilbo Baggins: Yes. Sorry about that. I came to give you this.
[he shows them the Arkenstone]
Thranduil: The Heart of the Mountain. The King's jewel.
Bard: And worth a king's ransom.
[looking at Bilbo]
Bard: How is this yours to give?
Bilbo Baggins: I took it as my fourteenth share of the treasure.
Bard: Why would you do this? You owe us no loyalty.
Bilbo Baggins: I'm not doing it for you. I know that Dwarves can be obstinate and pigheaded and difficult. And suspicious and secretive with the worst manners you can possibly imagine, but they are also brave and kind and loyal to a fault. I've grown very fond of them, and I would save them if I can. But Thorin values this stone above all else. In exchange for its return, I believe he will give you what you were owed. There will be no need for war.
[after leaving Thranduil's tent]
Gandalf: Rest up tonight. You must leave on the morrow.
Bilbo Baggins: What?
Gandalf: Get as far away from here as possible.
Bilbo Baggins: I-I'm not leaving.
Gandalf: Oh?
Bilbo Baggins: You picked me as the fourteenth man. I'm not about to leave the company now.
Gandalf: There is no company, not any more. And I don't like to think what Thorin would do when he finds out what you've done.
Bilbo Baggins: I'm not afraid of Thorin.
Gandalf: Well, you should be. Don't underestimate the evil of gold. Gold over which a serpent had long brooded. Dragon-sickness seeps into the hearts of all who came to this Mountain. Almost all.
[he calls over to Alfrid]
Gandalf: You there! Find this Hobbit a bed and fill his belly with hot food. He's earned it.
[as Alfrid goes to take Bilbo Gandalf stops him]
Gandalf: Hey. Keep an eye on him. If he should try to leave, you tell me.
[Alfrid walks over to Bilbo]
Alfrid: Move it. Stupid Hobbit.
[the next morning, the Elf and Lake-town armies stand before Erebor to face the dwarves; back in Dale Alfrid goes to wake Bilbo]
Alfrid: Wakey, wakey, Hobbit. Up you...get?
[he sees Bilbo is gone; back at Erebor Thranduil and Bard ride slowly towards the stone gate when Thorin shoots his arrow to land in front of Thranduil]
Thorin: I will put the next one between your eyes.
[the dwarves cheer for Thorin when Thranduil indicates to his Elf army to aim their arrows at them, the dwarves hide behind the stone wall, Thranduil then indicates for his army to stand down]
Thranduil: We've come to tell you payment of your debt has been offered and accepted.
Thorin: What payment? I gave you nothing. You have nothing.
[Bard takes out the Arkenstone and holds it up]
Bard: We have this.
Kili: They have the Arkenstone. Thieves! How came you by the heirloom of our house? That stone belongs to the king.
Bard: The King may have it, with our good will.
[Bard puts the Arkenstone back in his pocket]
Bard: But first he must honor his word.
Thorin: They're taking us for fools. This is a ruse, and a filthy lie. The Arkenstone is in this Mountain, it is a trick!
Bilbo Baggins: I-it's no trick. The stone is real. I gave it to them.
[Thorin faces Bilbo]
Thorin: You?
Bilbo Baggins: I took it as my fourteenth share.
Thorin: You would steel from me?
Bilbo Baggins: Steel from you? No, no. I may be a burglar, but I like to think I'm an honest one. I'm willing to let it stand against my claim.
Thorin: Against your claim?
[Thorin chuckles]
Thorin: Your claim? You have no claim over me, you miserable rat!
Bilbo Baggins: I was going to give it to you. Many times I wanted to, but...
Thorin: But what, thief?
Bilbo Baggins: You are changed, Thorin. The Dwarf I met in Bag End would never have gone back on his word, would never have doubted the loyalty of his kin.
Thorin: Do not speak to me of loyalty.
[to the dwarves]
Thorin: Throw him from the rampart!
[the dwarves do not move, refusing to carry out his order]
Thorin: Did you not hear me?! I will do it myself.
[he grabs hold of Bilbo]
Thorin: I curse you!
[the other dwarves try to stop him from throwing Bilbo over the edge]
Fili: No!
Thorin: Cursed be the wizard that forced you on this company!
[suddenly Gandalf appears below among the Elf army and walks up to the front]
Gandalf: If you don't like my burglar, then please don't damage him. Return him to me. You're not making a very splendid figure as King under the Mountain, are you, *Thorin, son of Thrain?
[Thorin lets Bilbo go]
Thorin: Never again will I have dealings with wizards!
[to Bilbo]
Bofur: Go.
Thorin: Or Shire rats!
[Bilbo goes over the wall and starts going down the rope to join Gandalf and the others]
Bard: Are we resolved? The return of the Arkenstone for what was promised.
[Thorin looks over to the horizon]
Bard: Give us your answer. Will you have peace or war?
[just as Thorin's about to decide a black crow lands in front of him]
Thorin: I will have war.
[an army of Dwarves led by Thorin's cousin Dain Ironfoot arrives]
Gandalf: Ironfoot.
[the dwarves cheer]
Dwarves: Dain! Dain! Dain!
[Thranduil commands his army of Elves to march towards the Dwarf army; referring to Dain]
Bilbo Baggins: Who is that? He doesn't look very happy.
Gandalf: It is Dain, Lord of the Iron Hills. Thorin's cousin.
Bilbo Baggins: Are they alike?
Gandalf: I've always found Thorin the more reasonable of the two.
[Dain rides over the Elf and Lake-town army]
Dain: Good morning! How are we all? I have a wee proposition, if you wouldn't mind giving me a few moments of your time. Would you consider...
[suddenly shouts]
Dain: Just sodding off?!
[the Lake-town army starts pulling back in fear]
Dain: All of you! Right now!
[to the Lake-town army]
Bard: Stand fast!
Gandalf: Come now, Lord Dain.
Dain: Gandalf the Grey. Tell this rabble to leave, or I'll water the ground with their blood.
Gandalf: There is no need for war between Dwarves, Men and Elves. A legion of Orcs march on the Mountain. Stand your army down.
Dain: I will not stand down before any Elf. Not least this faithless woodland sprite. He wishes nothing but ill upon my people. If he chooses to stand between me and my kin, I'll split his pretty head open! See if he's still smirking then.
Dwarves: Dain!
Thranduil: He's clearly mad, like his cousin.
Dain: You hear that, lads? We're on! Let's give these bastards a good hammering!
[he orders his army to get ready when suddenly they hear a noise]
Gandalf: Were-worms!
[a massive worm-like creature bursts through one of the mountains before being joined by other were-worms]
Dain: Oh, come on!
[Azog and his Orc army show up]
Azog: [subtitled] Come forth my Armies!
Dain: The Hordes of Hell are upon us! To battle! To battle, sons of Durin!
[as the Orc army starts marching towards the Dwarf army]
Kili: I'm going over the wall, who's coming with me?
Dwarves: Aye! Yes!
Fili: Come on, let's go.
Thorin: Stand down.
Fili: What? Are we to do nothing?
Thorin: I said stand down!
[seeing the Elf army not moving as the Orc army is about to attack]
Bilbo Baggins: The Elves, will they not fight?
Gandalf: Thranduil! This is madness!
[as the Orc army are heading towards the Dwarf army suddenly the Elf army joins in the fight and starts attacking the Orc army with Dwarf army joining them]
Bilbo Baggins: Uh, Gandalf, is this a good place to stand?
[to his men]
Azog: [subtitled] Send in the War Beasts!
[Thranduil orders his army as they continue to fight with the Orcs]
Azog: [subtitled] They cannot fight on two fronts. Now we make our move. Attack the city!
[the Orc army starts heading towards Dale]
Gandalf: Azog. He's trying to cut us off.
[to the Lake-town army]
Bard: All of you, fall back to Dale! Now!
Gandalf: To the city! People, this way!
[the war beasts along with the rest of the Orc army start attacking Dale and the people remaining in the city]
Bain: Sigrid! Tilda!
[Bard rides into Dale looking for his children]
Bard: My children! Where are my children?
Lake-town Woman: I saw them, they were down in the Old Market!
Bard: The Market? Where are they now? Tilda! Sigrid!
[some of the men in the Lake-town army rush over to Bard]
Percy: Bard, Orcs are storming over the Causeway.
Bard: Get the bowmen to the eastern parapet. Hold them of for as long as you can.
Percy: Archers, this way!
Lake-towner Male: The Orcs have taken Stone Street, the Market's overrun!
Bard: The rest of you, follow me!
[Bard leads the Lake-town army, they start attacking the Orcs along with Gandalf and Bilbo]
Alfrid: Charge! Onward! To the death!
[as the Lake-towners army head off to fight the Orcs Alfrid slips by and goes and hides]
[Bain finds Sigrid and Tilda after killing an Orc, then together they notice Bard fighting]
Sigrid: Da!
Tilda: Da!
Sigrid: Over here!
Tilda: Da we're here!
[Bard sees them when suddenly a war beast comes upon them, Bard gets onto a cart and heaves himself down towards the war beast]
Bard: Tilda! Bain! Sigrid! Get down!
[Bard lands onto the beast]
[to his children after rescuing them from the war beast]
Bard: Listen, I need you to gather the women and children, take them to the Great Hall and barricade the door. You understand? You must not come out for any reason.
[Bard takes Bain's sword from him]
Tilda: We want to stay with you.
[Alfrid who's been listening to them from his hiding place appears]
Alfrid: Show your father some respect. You leave it to me, Sire.
[to Sigrid and Tilda]
Alfrid: You heard him, we make to the Great Hall.
[he pushes them along]
Bard: Alfrid, women and children only. I need every man fighting. See that you return.
[he gives Alfrid Bain's sword]
Alfrid: I'll get them to safety, Sire. Then my sword is yours to command.
[to the children sitting near them]
Alfrid: Get up!
[to Bain]
Bard: Look after them.
Bain: I will.
[Bard rejoins the fighting]
[as he gathers the women and children to safety]
Alfrid: Shift it, granny.