Diurnal Trials

October, the Ninth

Today was... a challenge. It had a pretty good beginning, but it could've been better. You didn't sleep in much, but you didn't jumpstart your day either. You took your time getting to the day, which isn't always bad, but it rang in your mind that you should be advancing a little faster than you were. Not sure if that's from father, or just truth, but it was there regardless. You got the bed finished today. You were going to finish it tomorrow, but he pushed you to finish today and he helped. He made you sit through a two hour conversation before doing so, but he did it. You have to learn what you need, separate the toxicity, and leave when there is nothing else to learn. But you did what you needed today! You showered and made sure you were all clean, you didn't go outside today, but you did plenty of inside work. Go outside tomorrow, make sure you're doing that every day. It doesn't take much, but you could've spared some time. It's okay though. 

You didn't think about Kormeum very much today, that was great. If I recall, it was only two passing thoughts that occurred today, which is very good. She has been occupying your thoughts far less, and I'm happy for you in that. You thought about Halcyon today for a few solid minutes, and when you went live, you feared that her or her friends would return to mock you. Instead, no one came, and your silliness went by unviewed. You were slightly disappointed because you wanted to entertain people, but you also were okay with it because it allowed you to present yourself as you truly are now without feeling the need to impress or be fake. You could just be positive to yourself and give your effort to finish the task at hand, even though it didn't go so well. 

You're doing a remarkable job with Sasha. While normally you'd be freaking out and far more clingy when it comes to a romantic interest, you're handling things the proper way and let me tell you, that hasn't happened in quite awhile. That isn't an indication of something being different with the relationship, either. It is actually you. It is your change, it's a milestone that you've been looking for for YEARS. You've hit it. You've been able to properly accept that other people have their own lives, she is busy, but she wants to be involved with you. I know you appreciate that greatly, and you know she appreciates you too. 

Today was a bit rough at times, yes. You struggled with the fact that you didn't get to talk to this new and interesting people as much as you wanted. You struggled keeping your tongue with your father, who is involved in your life again (temporarily). You struggled to get outside and dedicate time to that. You struggled to keep the "can do" attitude no matter what and to insist on getting the bed completely fixed today; you relied on help for it. You struggled with fear, thinking about Halcyon and all that is involved with her. You struggled slightly thinking about the people you love and miss, wishing you could make things right, apologize, and continue with life (hopefully with them in it again). This is a recurring thought that happens nearly every day, and we are still coming up with a way to deal with it.

Today, you did great overall. All of those things you struggled with, you made it through (except going outside, you have to do that. That's what you failed at today, and that's okay! You've got another chance tomorrow!). You were patient with yourself, and Sasha. You thought of past people and recognized the pain you felt, but were able to let a lot of it go. You did a good job coming up with this idea, because it, writing this now, is incredibly therapeutic and cathartic. It feels great and I know when you read these in the future, it'll help you. 

If anyone else reads these, thank you. It's not much, but it's insight into my mind, and what I'm trying to do and be now. It won't much matter to many, but hopefully it'll matter to someone one day. I've come up with pseudonyms for people who may read these, that they'll see them and understand it's about them, but no one else will know it's them. I've done this to protect privacy, in the hopes that I can properly vent without exposing people or hurting their feelings. Everything here will be explained to the detail that I feel is necessary. It is not over-explaining, though it may require a lot of words or thought. I may have to return to this and create a pseudonym for more people as time goes on (like Sasha) should it become possible that they become privy to the existence of this account, or my writings. 

You did pretty great today buddy, good job. Past you is proud of this day. Read this in the future, and remember that you overcame the struggle today. 

As above, so below.
Joseph