Diurnal Trials

October the Eleventh

You were very tired and irritable today. You felt unnecessarily angry. You did go outside, but you didn't want to. You felt so exhausted, tired out, dead. You had very little energy. You didn't play games, you didn't watch anything you really enjoyed, you didn't meet your goals today. You were actively anti-productive, you barely wanted life this day. It was really fucking hard to exist today, for no particular reason; you just didn't want it. 

However, a few things positive before we pass out because of the non-existent energy that we expended this day. One, you didn't talk to Sasha at all. That sucked a lot for you, but you also didn't freak out or anything. You struggled with it, but you remained in control the whole time. You thought of Halcyon heavily today. You miss her greatly and wish things were different. The urge to change things is strong, but you remained true to the Tao that you dedicated yourself to: you will not bother her until you're ready. If she says something, then you may engage gently, with an informative mind, that you're not ready to really confront anything but that this is how you feel. Unless that happens, you still have lots of work to do until you can say a final goodbye to her. Kormeum was on your mind too, but less so. 

They are less of spirits haunting you and more comprising a graveyard of memories at this point. Full of regret and some shame, things you wish you could fix but won't have the opportunity to. You yearn for a last conversation, a candid one. What you really want is them in your life, though. You miss their presence, regardless of status. The romantic aspect, while it was important, is almost certainly marred for good now, yet you want the wisdom and feelings they brought you. That is selfish, for you never know what you offer other people. To be fair, they probably don't know what they've brought you, either. Aestas was on your mind for a bit too, but not very much. Their distaste for you is mutual, and their attempts to hurt you fall flat, but ring ironic all the same. 

You saw Chris again today. You've missed him a lot, far more than you expected. He's what you wish your father was actually more like. Funnier, kinder, he feels more reasonable and less dogmatic. There's a familiarity there that is just unique, a bond that is unlike another you've experienced. It's a nice feeling and while it doesn't require constant or even consistent attending, you've now noticed how it languished in his absence. No one really knows how you feel about the different parts of your family, which of them matter to you and which ones don't; more importantly, they don't know why. You wish to tell someone some day, but you always wonder when, though this subject rarely reaches your mind.

Overall, today was rough. You felt angry and dead, but I'm really fucking proud of you for not giving in. You didn't pop off, you didn't get ridiculously angry or yell at anyone or isolate yourself all day or do anything self destructive. You maintained yourself and kept static, which is probably the best you've ever done in a mood that affected you so negatively. You saw another type of day today, and you beat this one too. This is yet another milestone that I didn't expect to come so soon, but you beat anyway. That's so fucking great dude, I'm happy for you. I know you miss people, I know life is hard right now. Everything feels like a fucking struggle. But this is day three in a row of you writing these, and you're making shit happen. Great job, soldier on.

As above, so below.
Joseph