Fuck, you are tired right now. That's okay, do your best to maintain the temporary disassociation in order to properly give yourself feedback while remaining positive until you feel confident enough to believe that you deserve this love and care that you're attempting to give yourself. I know you're frustrated right now, feeling like no one else would do this for you. And honestly, they wouldn't. That's okay, that's the point. You have to be there for you. You gotta stop relying on other people for that love. You didn't get it as a kid, oh well. I know it's rough, I know it was fucking horrid growing up. I know it was a nightmare and I know you wanted to die so much. I know the people who you feel you owe your life to, and I know how it felt when they left you in the end as well. I know the pain, more than anyone else does. How you felt about Kormeum, I feel about you. I am forcing that emotion until it comes naturally, because it is possible.
Anyway, onto today. You did, overall, fucking outstanding today. You got up today, you texted Sasha, you did every single thing you needed to do. You went outside, made every single one of your FitBit goals, did every task that was planned (and unplanned), dealt with father all fucking day, and didn't really get into arguments. You felt bad for the majority of the day, you weren't in a great mood. But you did that shit anyway, you made it happen anyway, and that's a milestone for progress. Going to Chipotle was much appreciated, and you're happy that he took you. That's not something you've done for a long time, so it was a nice nostalgia moment.
You didn't get to talk to Sasha much today. You understand she's quite busy, and it is a struggle for you. You want to feel wanted. And although this whole situation is VERY early and literally has no real attachments, once affection is offered, you do desire that it will continue regularly. It is quite rare right now, which is difficult to deal with. You talked twice today, which is rough. However, you kept yourself quite busy as well, worked on the playlist for her, and did lots of work. I'm really proud of you for not freaking out or feeling like shit as you normally would. Perhaps that's the reason behind the downward slope for the mood, but regardless, you're working on properly separating that in order to make your emotions no longer contingent on that. It's what you did for Halcyon, but far too late, as she was already gone by the time you succeeded and you had spun out. That's not a mistake you will repeat, and we know you would fix it if you could. However, you cannot. The best you can do is message her when you feel you're at your peak, once, apologizing, and nothing else.
You've been listening to podcasts a lot today, and lots of music. Today was a struggle, but honestly you hit this out of the park. You didn't just survive today despite the bullshit, you THRIVED. Great fucking job, my man. I appreciate what you've done, and you're gonna kill it tomorrow. Good luck on rescheduling that date, plan your apology to Halcyon (or Fairy, depending), and decide what you're going to do the rest of the coming days. I believe in you.
As above, so below.
Joseph
YOU ARE READING
Diurnal Trials
SpiritualI'm keeping a journal. These won't be rants like Brooding, they'll be moreso journaling and affirmation, writing letters to myself in order to promote positivity and loving myself. I've written many letters to Sir Nemo, and that helped me. Now, I wo...
