Go By The Book

Chapter 21

Trigger Warning- Suicide

6 Years Ago

Zvezda - 14 Years Old

The world was hazy. Everything was suddenly black and white.

No more color. No sense of feeling was left in me.

I don't know what's going on and I don't remember anything.

Nobody was telling me anything. Father said that there was a fire and Aleksi was dead.

They say that you only realize what you had once it's gone.
I've been reminded of that every single day since it happened.
I still remember the flames, the earth around me which was scorched by the fire that kept burning.
It was unstoppable and what was worse was the fact that he made sure I survived.

I've been here for a month and I don't want to be here. I want to go to my brother. I don't deserve to live in this world without him.

I survived that fire because of him. I don't know who he is but I hate him for saving me. I was here in this bed because of him.

All I remember is a pair of green eyes faintly stuck in my head grabbing my arm while my brother lies there as the light leaves his eyes.

Flames, fire which was uncontrollable just burning around me.
It kept playing in my head over and over. It just didn't make any sense!

I stare at the ceiling not having the energy to say a single word ever since I had realized what happened weeks ago.

I talk to myself knowing that my life was finally worthless.
Nothing seems real anymore.

Mother said I was the reason he died. What did I do? This was the first time I had seen mother look heartbroken. I knew she hated me. I hated myself too.
What did I do? What the hell did I do! Why was everyone acting like this?

I start crying uncontrollably squirming in the hospital bed wanting to end myself for the pain I always seemed to cause everyone. I don't know why I'm like this.

I don't deserve to live. How could I think that I could just sit here as though nothing happened to my brother. I don't know how it happened but I should've done something.

Why didn't I do anything?

How could I let my brother die?

I scream pulling at my hair, pushing everything and lashing blindly at the air, seeing his body haunt me for nearly a month now.

Engrained in my memory in such a way that even thinking was futile at this point for me.

No. No what have I done?

Why are they not telling me anything properly? Was it that bad. Did I do something that horrible. I was a monster. My brother.
My brother. I want to go to my brother.

I scream loudly, pulling the IV drip to the side as I knock over various chairs in my hospital room wanting to break everything. I don't deserve to be here. I'm a worthless, stupid idiot.

I cry and cry feeling so much rage and sadness. My brother is gone. He's gone. I want to go too. I hate these people.

Nobody really cared about me. Aleksi did. He was the only one who was there.

I want Aleksi back.

"It should've been me. I— I can't take it. I don't—." I scream and cry loudly gasping for air as I try to breathe while looking around for anything.