The Suicide Club // Larry Stylinson

Chapter 1

Disgusting. Those are the only words I can use to describe myself. I look at myself and think "When did I become so repulsive?" then I realize, I always have been.

Ever since I can remember, I was always different. I was never like the average boy growing up. I had darker thoughts, I matured quicker, and by the time I was 14, I was already a target to society.

Everyone looked at me and thought "Where did he go wrong?" But I asked myself the same thing. I never knew why I had these thoughts. I couldnt control them. There was always that voice in the back of my head saying "You dont deserve a single thing, not even your life."

Most of the time, I was right. That voice in my head always corrected me and punished me for the mistakes I made. It made me much alert to the people around me and if I could trust them. It also made me realize, I was born in the wrong body.

I didnt like my skin, I didnt like my weight, I didnt like my hair, I didnt like anything. I could look in the mirror for 15 seconds and point out every flaw I had. People constantly reminded me everyday so, how could I forget?

I knew most of the time they were being assholes. All they wanted was a good laugh, and I gave them one. I knew they were too ignorant to realize a single word they said, but that little voice in the back of my head kept saying "It's true."

Right now, im at my worst. All I ever do is sit in my room alone and cry. I cant even stand to look at my reflection. I draw lines on my body as to how I should actually look and i cut myself open. I dont cut my wrists. It too obvious & its most likely to be found. I cut my stomach, thighs, legs, arms, shoulders, you name it. I just cant find the right spot to slice open.

I look in the mirror in disgust. Why cant I be perfect? Why cant I be at least average? Why cant I be happy in my own skin? Those are questions I unfortunatly cannot answer, but I intend to find out.

This whole time I've been sitting in my room staring at a wall, I didnt know my life was about to change in a matter of days.

I stood up and walked over to the drawer. Its where I keep most of my "tools" to punish myself. So far, I've been 3 days clean and my skin is craving the cold metal to slice my skin and let the blood drip out. The tempations are killing me and I dont know if I can take it much longer.

I pull out a short box cutter from the pile of sharp metals and lift up my baggy sweater. I bring it close to my stomach and slowly drag it across my hot skin. Blood begins to drip down my side and the warm substance fills me with pleasure. Its the only thing I get out of this. Obviously new scars but, thats not something I should be proud of.

"Louis, can you-" I heard a voice say right when the sound of my door opening rang in my ears. I quickly turned around to see a petrified mother standing with shock written all over her face.

"Sweetie," She said as she ran over to me. Tears brimmed her eyes taking the box cutter out of my burning hands. I didnt know what to think. I was nervous about what she would do.

"Why would you do this again?" She questioned as she grabbed a dirty shirt off the floor and wiped the remaining blood off my body. She has caught me doing this before but that was a long time ago. She thought I had quit and became happier, if only she knew how wrong she was.

"I'm sorry." Is the only thing I could think of saying. I wasn't really sorry, I just want her to leave me alone as quick a possible so I can get back to being my cold, miserable self.

"You have to stop doing this!" She practically shouted as she wrapped her hands around me and pulled me close. I knew she would take this much harder than she should. Hugging me and telling me to stop won't change a damn thing.

I slowly tried pushing her off until she released me from her grip with confidence written in her eyes. That's different, usually she would be disappointed and upset but now she just looks....pleased?

"I have an idea." She said confidently as she straightened her back with a huff. Oh boy...

"That's never good." I said with a twisted look. Each time she has an idea, it's always something like "You should make friends," "Go out more," or "Get a boyfriend!" Yes she knew I was gay, that's one of the main reasons why she's always hovering over me and watching my every move. She thinks the world will hate me (which they do) and not see the good in me (if there were any).

"You need to go to that therapy group!" She beamed as she wrapped her fingers around my arms and dragged my out the bedroom door.

"Sit down sweetie," She said as she led me to the couch to take a seat.

"Now I know you are having problems but hurting yourself is no way to solve them. I remember that the doctor told me that there is a therapy group where you can go and meet kids just like you! He gave me their card so I can call them whenever and get an appointment! You have to go! You probably won't feel so alone and they can help you get better!" She said with such enthusiasm and hope in her voice. I didn't, however, like the fact that she said "You can get better!" She made it seem like I have some type of disease that only doctors and medication can cure. I didn't choose to be like this. I can't help it that I hate myself and that just made me hate the idea even more.

"Absolutely not." I said as I tried to stand back up, only to be pushed down by the force of a small hand on my thigh.

"Please just go. I promise you that if you don't like it by the first week, you can leave!" She said begging.

"Week?!!?" I said shocked. I thought it was only going to be a couple of days! Not an entire 168 hours!

"Fine! The first few days!" She cried. I sighed in frustration after I realize, there is no way I'm winning here.

"Fine, but only a couple days! I don't want to be stuck in that hell hole for long." I said casually rolling my eyes. My mother teasingly pushed me for cursing but I just shrugged. She then let out a small "Yess!" when she disappeared into the kitchen, thinking I couldn't hear.

I let out a small chuckle and walked myself back up to my room. Little did I know, my world was about to change.

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Hey guys!! How did you like the first chapter?? I'm sorry is it seems so short. It's 11 pm and I just couldn't wait to post. Tell me what you thought in the comments! What you think will happen next chapter?? Thank you so much for reading this little note (you probably didn't) but if you did, thank you so much staying tuned and I hope you have a wonderful day <333 - Oscar. Xx

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