the final cut • lashton

negative eight

aye it's been a while 😁

triggering material ahead, mainly self-hate

watch the video, makes this all the more emotional

-ashton's pov- (surprised, mofo? well so am i)

luke. luke. think of luke.

'you think he's coming for you?' the all-too-familiar voice chuckled. 'by now you should have realized, he's never coming back...'

"n-no. he's coming back! he promised!" I pressed on. luke is coming. my luke will help me out of this back hole. we made a promise, after all. "he cares about me!"

'oh ashton... how can you say that? are you really that dumb?

no one cares about you'

"no! stop! shut up!" I shrieked. I know luke will be here soon. I just need to call him. he will come here and he will hug me and then we will watch a disney movie to make me fell better. he will bring chocolate syrup and we'll have a chocolate milk party...

'ashton, you should know that won't happen. I thought you would have figured it out by now'

"sh-shut up... I need him to be here..."

I searched frantically for my cell phone. where were things when I needed them? where is luke?

"luke...save me from the monster in my head" i whimpered, shaking my head.

'He's not coming, ashton'

"dammit why can't you just leave me alone?! why do you continue to torture me?!" my hands flew up into my hair. I pulled at my scalp, thinking that might help me pull out the fu.cking voice that made my life hell.

'why?' the voice chuckled. 'look into the mirror, ash. what do you see?'

"please, s-stop..." tears began pouring through my eyes, but I barely felt them. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping I wouldn't give in to what the voice wanted me to do.

it didn't work.

'you want to know why? lift up your shirt. roll up your sleeves. pull down your pants. those lines are more than simple marks, they're proof that you mean nothing. you don't matter in this world. why do you think your father left you? your mum, she's not here anymore, is she? barely anyone knows you, ashton. why would they care if you disappeared? you're disgusting. look at the pudge on your stomach. you don't even romantically like girls. you like guys...that's not natural. all you do is take up the space of someone that could actually do something useful. look at yourself, ashton. you can't even go a day without making more scars on your body. you suck at school. you rely on luke to even eat'

"stop...stop...stop it. i'm begging you!" I began hitting my head. get out! leave me alone! stop reminding me of the things I want to forget!

'so ask me again: why won't I leave you alone?

because without me, you're nothing'

and the tears became waterfalls. they came all at once and without warning, like a tsunami had build up and now decided to attack. they wouldn't stop...the thoughts wouldn't stop...the voice continued to mock me.

"ashton!"

luke. you're here.

but I couldn't form words. the sobs shook my body. I couldn't stop crying.

"lu--" a hiccup. "--ke"

I want you to hug me.

I tried walking over to luke, my luke. he's here. I told you he'd be here.

'don't be so sure'

feeling relieved that he came, I reached my arms out to grab his shirt, to take in his smell. it something strange happened.

my arms went through him.

"l-l-l-luke?!"

"ashton..."

I shook my head. what the hell is going on? what happened to my luke? my luke who held me and cradled me until I fell asleep when I had a breakdown, where was he?

'he's not real, ashton. he's never was'

"what the hell do you mean?!" I shouted at no one in particular.

'lets just say...you have an overactive imagination'

and then everything became fuzzy. luke remained frozen still, clear blue eyes staring at me, no, through me. he held his back lip ring in between his teeth in a thinking manner. I could still remember the exact shade his blonde hair was.

"I love you, ashton"

suddenly I was back in bed. but it wasn't nighttime, rays of light peeked in through my lavender curtains. was it morning? I could care less. where was my luke? why couldn't I touch him? wasn't he just in my room a moment ago? I checked my phone for the time.

6:29 a.m. the time I usually wake up for school. giving an exasperated sigh, I tried remembering the times I had spent with luke. they all seemed incomplete and unreal, like they had never happened. I couldn't even remember how I met luke, why is that?

I need him.

"luke... I love you. please come back to me" I whispered to nothing in particular. "where did you go?"

'I told you, ashton. you have an overactive imagination' it said, before cackling.

•

::. the end .::

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if you didn't get it by now, it was all a dream...