rambles about love

him

          I'm not going to lie here. I've been broken a lot. some of it parental stuff, some relationships started and some I just fucked up on my own. mentally I can be the worst person to be with and I've had pretty abusive exes. the fact that someone like him wants me in his life... I can't process it to be completely honest.

          I don't fall easily. most of you know I'm demisexual and if you don't well now you do. but even taking away from being demi, I'm petrified of being hurt again. it nearly killed me the first time and well I'm not really wanting to bring that back. that's why I was so scared when he and I started getting close. I didn't know where this was going to end up and I definitely wasn't expecting him to ask me to be his girlfriend. when we first started talking, everything was normal. I was being nice and helping him get through something and in turn, he helped me not kill myself. that's a favor I can never repay. well, I hope I never have to; losing him would be detrimental for me. for backstory, we met through discord twenty days ago on an among us server. I talked to a few people before he pops up in my life. he was kind but made it clear he had a girlfriend. that was fine seeing as I was dealing with ex issues in the first place. we talked for a bit then one day he just opened up to me. he told me about his problems and I gave my advice. I ended up getting closer to him without realizing I was. the realization came when my best friend asked who I love and he was the only one to come to mind. 

          the issues were resolved and we could be friends without anyone telling us we couldn't. I felt happy just being friends but he started to return the same affection and overall love I was giving and it felt so good to be receiving something like that. he made me feel good, safe, protected. he still does even if we aren't physically together. he's everything I could ask for and more and good gods am I grateful I get to call this gift to earth mine. but he is so out of my league. like some sculpted by aphrodite shit. and the fact that he's got the best personality just adds to the whole out of my league-ness. how does someone like me end up with the gods' most prized piece of work? some parts of me say it's just a joke but I feel like I know him better than that. 

         being this in love with someone scares me. I know he won't hurt me. he's not the type. but what if I fuck up? I don't want to hurt this boy at all. he means worlds to me and hurting him would in turn hurt me. I dunno man I love him. I just hope he loves me the same...

516 words.