rambles about love

save me

          I stopped keeping track after the third or fifth relationship. makes me sounds whoreish to social standards but truthfully they've been short and anything but sweet. as I've mentioned before, I'm no stranger to toxic relationships. my most recent ex cheated on me then left when I was feeling suicidal. he had the nerve to get mad when I said it didn't think that would help me. like??? the hell is he on? leaving him was the best thing I could've done for myself. 

          honestly, I'm not sure I want anyone else. I'd like this boy to be in my future. I'd love that really. and provided he feels the same I'm more than willing to let it happen. I'd let him completely fuck up my life with no regard for my previous plans. I just want him. that's honestly the worst part of it all; the fact that he can't necessarily be here. granted if he was I'd throw my school out the window without a second thought but I digress. he's literally thousands of miles away and I can't help feeling like that blackbear song "n y l a". love is cruel to those who seek it.

          I used to think maybe I wasn't supposed to be loved. if my own mother can't then why would anyone else ever want to love me? I don't think that's the case. now it's more of just because you're getting kicked out by your own mother doesn't mean you don't deserve to be loved by anyone. I just need the right person and I think I found them. or we found each other I suppose. I'm not relying on him to save me. I'm not going to sit here and act like a damsel in distress when I've got a life to live. I just want someone to be by my side and not leave for once.