Monty Python and the Twins

Wheeljack's Tale

Wheeljack and Ratchet were re-soldering the connections Red Alert fried with his latest panic attack when Grimlock stomped into medbay. The Dinobot leader made his way single-mindedly towards the two mechanics, determination in every trudging step. He stopped a few paces from where Red Alert lay prone on the examination table and crossed his arms, tapping one finger in irritation on the opposite forearm. When Wheeljack and Ratchet looked up to acknowledge him, he started without preamble. "Me, Grimlock, got problem. You, Wheeljack help me, Grimlock, and other Dinobots?"

Wheeljack put down his soldering scalpel and left Red Alert to Ratchet's tender care. He approached Grimlock, wiping his hands on a large oil-stained cloth. "Sure, Grimlock, what can I do for ya?"

Grimlock motioned for Wheeljack to follow him and tromped out of the medbay in the direction of the front entrance to the Ark. "Wheeljack remember when me, Grimlock, say Dinobots' swords go missing? Slag and Snarl most upset when they lose swords." The hulking Dinobot smacked his fist into his opposite palm in anger.

Wheeljack nodded, trotting to keep up with Grimlock's ground-eating strides. "Yeah, we looked all over for 'em. Did you find them?" He nearly collided with Grimlock's left arm as the Dinobot came to an abrupt halt at the entrance to the Ark.

"Yes. But me, Grimlock, not know what they doing with them." One long, powerful arm pointed to the training and range area tucked around the side of Mt. St. Hillary. "We go." He strode off, a very curious Wheeljack close behind.

The two Autobots rounded the corner to the training area, coming up to its entrance. Built slightly into the mountain face itself, it included a sparring pit, target range, and even a small obstacle course. The entrance to the training area led to a relatively narrow split pathway, which initially opened on the sparring pit; the firing range lying farther along the same path. Wheeljack's optics widened as he witnessed Sideswipe in the first pit, battering a heavy wooden sparring construct with a large red sword. Slag's sword, to be precise. Wheeljack knew that Sideswipe and Sunstreaker preferred to fight hand-to-hand, but he never guessed they were interested in swordwork. "Wow!" was all he could say at the sight.

Grimlock crossed his arms again. "Me not know why him, Sideswipe, need Slag's sword. He plenty good fighter already....for an Autobot," he added derisively. He paused for a moment, scanning the area. "But me, Grimlock, not see Sunstreaker. Don't those two always go together?"

Wheeljack peered around for the yellow twin. "Yeah, usually. Where you see one, there's...wow!" At that exclamation, Sideswipe neatly cleaved the substantial sparring dummy in half with one powerful sweep of his sword. The red Lamborghini flourished the sword and stood at parade rest, the red blade gently held centered, point down. He watched down the path towards the rifle range, unmoving. Wheeljack prevented Grimlock from storming down the hill to confront Sideswipe and whispered, "Wait, let's see what happens now. He's up to something."

Grimlock grumbled, but stood quietly next to the Lancia, glaring down into the sparring pit. "He always up to something."

Clop-clop, clop-clop

Clop-clop, clop-clop

Clop-clop, clop-clop

Wheeljack could not believe his optics. Sunstreaker, wearing Snarl's sword at his hip, came saltating up the path from the rifle range, one hand held somewhat stiffly in front of him. Bluestreak, slightly hunched over, followed doggedly, his arms outstretched as he rhythmically pounded two halves of a coconut together. Sunstreaker came up to Sideswipe, halting before him (with a clatter of coconut halves from Bluestreak) and stepped oddly to one side. When he stopped, Bluestreak wandered off to hide behind another wooden construct, avidly watching the scene between the two sword-wielding twins.

Wheeljack chuckled to himself, headfins flashing. This should be good. It's always amusing when the Twins argue, and whatever they have on Bluestreak to make him do...whatever he's doing... just adds to the fun!

Sunstreaker planted himself in front of Sideswipe, who proceeded to look through the yellow warrior as if he weren't there. He spoke in a hearty voice, easily heard by both Wheeljack and Grimlock. "You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight"

Sideswipe said nothing, still standing at the position he assumed after cleaving the practice dummy.

Sunstreaker puffed a bit, then continued. "I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

What the retro-reavers? Does Sunstreaker have a kink in his cortex? thought Wheeljack. Sideswipe continued to ignore his brother, staring silently straight ahead with a fixed expression.

Seemingly undaunted, the yellow twin continued in a loud voice. "I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join in my court at Camelot."

Pause. Grimlock and Wheeljack exchanged a baffled look.

"You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?" Sunstreaker's voice carried a hint of entreaty, which Wheeljack had never heard from the yellow Lamborghini. Sideswipe was the master of wheedling, but apparently Sunstreaker could also manage those same pathos-ridden tones...when he wanted to.

Sideswipe remained as a statue, staring straight through his twin, saying nothing. Sunstreaker gave his twin a long, measuring look before shrugging and gesturing to Bluestreak. "You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy." Sunstreaker made to step around Sideswipe as Bluestreak came out from his hiding place.

Patsy? Great Primus! Wheeljack nearly missed Sideswipe's reply; he was trying so hard to smother his laughter. Grimlock merely looked confused at the exchange up to this point. "They fighting?" he asked, looking back and forth from Wheeljack to the tableau on the path. Wheeljack shrugged.

Sunstreaker didn't take more than a half step before he was stopped. In a hard, carrying voice, Sideswipe intoned, "None shall pass."

"What?" Sunstreaker sounded shocked. Wheeljack didn't blame him. Very few Autobots had the temerity to talk back to the sour-tempered yellow warrior. They must have had something big happen for Sideswipe to be in that big a snit.

"None shall pass." The words intoned like a death knell. Sideswipe remained in his stance, blocking the path out from the training area.

Sunstreaker tried again, explaining in a reasonable tone, "I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge."

What bridge? Wheeljack thought. The path was clear and level to either side.

"Then you shall die." Sideswipe glared at his brother, settling his heels a little deeper into the gravel on the path.

Sunstreaker demanded angrily, waving his left arm, "I command you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside!"

Okay, these two have got to be acting, thought Wheeljack. The scene was just too bizarre for the Twins to be having one of their normal arguments.

"I move... for no man." Sideswipe raised the sword, pointing it menacingly at his brother. Bluestreak darted back around behind the intact wooden sparring dummy.

"So be it!" Sunstreaker announced, drawing his own sword for the first time.

Wheeljack and Grimlock watched in awe as the Twins squared off against each other. The swords clashed with a great burst of sparks as they parried powerful strokes. Sideswipe whirled with a cutting stroke that Sunstreaker easily blocked, glissading off the point and stepping out of the way. Sunstreaker braced himself as Sideswipe charged him, stepping aside and slicing down viciously when the red warrior passed by. To Wheeljack's horror, Sideswipe's left arm came completely off at the shoulder, dropping to the ground at the red Twin's feet. Pumping streams of Energon fountained from his shoulder as he stopped dead in his tracks, staring at Sunstreaker.

The yellow twin held up his head in triumph. "Now stand aside, worthy adversary," he announced, but was prevented from leaving the path by his twin. Wheeljack could not believe his optics. Sideswipe not only was ignoring the wound, which was atypically spouting Energon, but he was continuing to confront Sunstreaker!

"'Tis but a scratch." Sideswipe tossed off the denial carelessly, lightly.

Sunstreaker's mouth dropped open. "A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No, it isn't," insisted Sideswipe.

"Well, what's that then?" The golden warrior pointed to the all-too-obvious red and black arm lying near Sideswipe's feet.

"I've had worse," said with a feral grin as the red twin readied his sword.

"You liar!" Sunstreaker shouted, losing his temper.

"Come on, you pansy!" came the taunt from one-armed Sideswipe.

It was too much for Sunstreaker to resist. The twins clashed again, Sideswipe giving a darn good effort for having only one arm. The sword strikes rang out clearly against the hillside, echoing. Sunstreaker pushed Sideswipe back and almost casually sliced off Sideswipe's right arm when the red twin charged back into the fray. Sideswipe ran a few extra steps spurting bright pink Energon from both shoulders before he was able to come to a faltering stop.

"Victory is mine!" called Sunstreaker when Sideswipe turned to face him. He paced over to Sideswipe's right arm and crouched down to retrieve Slag's sword. To Wheeljack intense amusement and Grimlock's confusion, Sideswipe ran up to his twin while he was still crouched down and proceeded to kick him!

"Hah! Come on, then!" Sideswipe taunted, scuffing a kick at his brother. Wheeljack chuckled, at least Siders wasn't giving up!

"What?" Sunstreaker was stunned, and annoyed at the dust being kicked up onto his shin guards.

The challenge rang out from the red twin, "Have at you!"

Sunstreaker glared at his brother, pointing to the fine coating of dust on his lower legs. "You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine." The words were snarled slightly, through gritted dental plates and a distinct frown crossed Sunstreaker's face.

"Oh, Had enough, eh?" came the taunting reply, as more dust scuffed up and was carried away on the slight breeze.

Sunstreaker viciously waved his arm. "Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"

"Yes, I have," came the overconfident reply.

"Look!" A golden hand pointed out both arms lying on the ground a few feet apart from each other.

"It's just a flesh wound," retorted Sideswipe sulkily, as another foot-full of dust came puffing up from the ground at Sunstreaker.

"Look, Stop that!" came the angry demand.

"Chicken, chicken!" Sideswipe danced around inanely, spurting droplets of Energon around in a crazy pattern. He aimed another kick at Sunstreaker.

"Look, I'll have your leg," threatened Sunstreaker, dodging the kick and brandishing his sword. Sideswipe's only reply was to lash out again with his leg. "Right!" Sunstreaker's sword whistled through the air, neatly slicing off Sideswipe's right leg.

Wheeljack nearly fried his circuits watching the Twins. There's no way this is real! Sideswipe would have shut down into emergency recharge by now! I wonder how they're pulling this off? Pondering the mechanical possibilities, Wheeljack nearly missed the next exchange.

Sideswipe was hopping mad. "Right, I'll do you for that!" He bounced up and down in an absurd effort to stay upright, springing back and forth in front of Sunstreaker.

"You'll what?"

"Come here!" Sideswipe insisted, threat dripping from his voice as he hopped menacingly.

"What are you gonna do, bleed on me?" Sunstreaker was highly contemptuous towards his ever-bouncing brother. He held up one hand in a belated attempt to fend off his brother's wobbling advance.

"I'm invincible!" came the strident cry as Sideswipe headbutted Sunstreaker in the chest, somewhat carefully. Wheeljack nearly fell over laughing, his poor flashbulbs heating up in overuse as he giggled madly.

Sunstreaker sneered down at his brother, giving him a very ungentle shove away from his shining chestplate. "You're a loony."

Sideswipe screamed back, "The black knight always triumphs!" launching a one-legged attack. His black helm butted against Sunstreaker's arm this time. "Have at you! Come on, then." Bouncing up and down, Sideswipe still prevented his twin from leaving the path.

Sunstreaker didn't even bother to respond. The red sword viciously sliced out, launching Sideswipe five feet to the left. His leg stood for a split second in front of Sunstreaker before slowly toppling over on its side. A few feet away, Sideswipe had landed upright. The red Lamborghini twisted his torso this way and that, looking up as Sunstreaker and Bluestreak, who had returned with a clatter of coconuts, drew alongside. "Wha--?" He twisted again, peering down at his now limbless body. "All right, we'll call it a draw."

Wheeljack had lost all semblance of composure at that last line, much to Grimlock's confused disgust. "What so funny?" demanded the irate Dinobot leader. Wheeljack waved his arms, too caught up in paroxysms of laugher to reply.

"Come, Patsy," commanded Sunstreaker to Bluestreak as the two sauntered up the path towards the entrance of the training ground, leaving an irate Sideswipe sitting in a pool of seeping Energon. Sunstreaker had a definite smirk on his face. Both swords were carried in his right hand.

Sideswipe insisted on having the last word, screaming out at the top of his vocalizer, "Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" The curses continued as the red twin writhed on the path, limbs scattered akimbo, watching his brother disappear through the entranceway.

Wheeljack tugged on Grimlock's arm, and they both stepped back from the scene that had played out in front of them. The Lancia had finally regained control over his own vocal circuits and reassured Grimlock as they returned to the Ark. "I think you'll get your swords back now, Grimlock. Movie night was the other night, y'know. Those two were just... being themselves, I guess. " Wheeljack chuckled again. I have got to get myself in on this! That looked too fun!