Monty Python and the Twins

Hound's Tale

Whzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Hound managed to duck at the last possible second as another of Wheeljack's mechanical swallows zipped by, talons firmly entwined in the fibrous husk of a coconut. Glancing down the hallway after the zooming menace to make sure it wasn't about to make a return trip, he shook his head ruefully and continued his trek to Prime's office. Wheeljack apparently made the little robotic birds as part of a strange bet with Sideswipe, but had lost control of them. No one was quite sure exactly how many were still active, swooping around the Ark corridors with a coconut grasped in their tiny feet. It paid to keep a sharp lookout in the hallways.

Optimus Prime's office was on the second floor Teletran-1's main bay. Hound ascended the stairs to the walkway outside the office before a commotion on the main floor caught his attention. Peering over the railing into the open room, he witnessed a large group of Minibots making haste for the front opening to the Ark. Every few steps, they would jerk, almost in unison, to a cry from the red and yellow forms chasing them mercilessly through the open bay. Sunstreaker held a small cylinder in his hand, pointing it at the retreating group.

"Ni!" cried Sunstreaker with a gleefully evil grin as he pressed a button on the object in his hand. Sideswipe echoed his brother with a slightly higher pitched "Ni!"

The smaller forms jerked and renewed their frantic efforts to get away from Sunstreaker and Sideswipe. Windcharger managed to transform and wasted no time in accelerating far ahead of the rest of the group. The other victims to the Twins' latest prank were still on foot, jerkily making their way along the corridor to the cries of "Ni!"

Hound froze in place to avoid calling attention to himself as the strange tableau disappeared from his optic range. Once certain the coast was clear, he pushed open the door to Optimus Prime's office. Prime sat behind his desk, reviewing a collection of datapads. "You wanted to see me, Prime?" asked Hound.

"Yes. We have received an urgent request from the human weapons laboratory called General Ordinance Developers. They have come up with a new liquid super-propellant explosive pack the technicians are labeling the 'Holy Grail.' They have a sample for us to examine. I need you to pry Wheeljack out of his office and take him with you to pick it up. Here are the coordinates of the laboratory." Prime handed Hound a small letter and map. "I do hope this new challenge will distract him from his current hobby. I'm getting tired of ducking"

Hound examined the map. The coordinates showed an area that Hound knew to be uninhabited, unless the laboratory was underground. Considering the nature of the technology, that could be a definite possibility. "So you want me to tell Wheeljack we have a request from G.O.D. to pick up the 'Holy Grail'?" For some reason, that last phrase struck his processor as odd, but he couldn't quite place what sounded off. He looked to Prime for verification.

Optimus Prime nodded solemnly. "Yes. This is a very hush-hush mission, you understand. We don't want the Decepticons finding out about the lab, or the propellant. Wheeljack will know what to do with the sample. You should find him in his laboratory."

oOoOo

Hound grabbed Trailbreaker, who was idly watching a rerun of "As the Kitchen Sinks," to help with the retrieval mission. The two rugged Autobots made their way out to Wheeljack's lab, which was situated in a bunker-type structure a short distance from the Ark itself. Wheeljack's reputation and frequent explosive inventions necessitated the relocation of his lab a few years after their reawakening on Earth. Despite Prime's assurance the inventor was in residence, the structure appeared deserted as they approached. Not wishing to set off any unstable experiments, Hound prudently decided to hail the building instead, calling out in a carrying voice, "Hello!"

"Hello!" he repeated, throwing a glance at Trailbreaker, who was idly staring at the building, arms crossed.

From an observation deck on the roof, a dark head popped up. In the sun glare, neither Hound nor Trailbreaker could quite correctly identify who it was...one of the Twins, certainly. A voice called back in a very strange vocalization, "Hallo? Who is it?"

As if they didn't know, Hound thought. "It's Hound and Trailbreaker. Go tell Wheeljack that we've been charged by G.O.D. with a secret request. He needs come out here and join us to pick up the 'Holy Grail'." There it was again. The phrasing of this mission just sounded...off. Before he had time to mull it over further, he got his answer from... Sideswipe, based on the tone of voice still garbled by that weird vocalization.

"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see."

Hound was taken aback. Why would Prime send them on a mission if Wheeljack already had a sample of the pack? "What?" was Hound's intellectual reply.

Trailbreaker muttered, "He says they've already got one."

Hound wasn't ready to give up on this mission just yet. The Twins would have no knowledge of the propellant pack, so how could they speak for Wheeljack? He called back, a little ruffled, "Are you sure he's got one?"

It was definitely Sideswipe's voice carrying back over the slight breeze, vowels still distorted. "Oh, yes. It's very nice!" A series of Twin-ish snickers floated down from the observation deck.

Hound and Trailbreaker exchanged looks. "Look, can you just please get Wheeljack for us?" Hound called, not really wanting to prolong this exchange any longer. The Twins were still up to something, and he had the sinking feeling that he and Trailbreaker were the latest victims.

"Of course not! You are tracking types!" came the reply, indignation rife with every heavily accented syllable.

"I thought we were all Autobots," muttered Trailbreaker, torn between irritation and amusement. When Hound motioned for him to be quiet, Trailbreaker shrugged.

"What are you then?" Hound called back, pretty sure he already knew the answer.

Sunstreaker made his appearance on the platform, posing dramatically as Sideswipe bantered back, "I'm a sports car! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Jeep?"

Trailbreaker couldn't keep quiet any longer, "What are you doing in Wheeljack's lab?"

"Mind your own business!" snarled Sideswipe as Sunstreaker disappeared below view.

Hound was determined to get this mission over with. "Look, if you don't go get Wheeljack, we'll just come in and get him ourselves!" Apparently this was the Wrong Thing to Say. Sideswipe planted his feet, placed fists on hip-plates, and proceeded to---

"You don't frighten us, tracking non-fighters! Go and boil your skidplates, creations of a silly mech! I empty my nasal vents at you, so called tracker Jeep! You and all your silly gas-guzzling cowarrrrrrds!"

Trailbreaker looked stunned for a moment before chuckling quietly. Hound was nonplussed. "Now, look here Sideswipe..." he started reasonably.

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed Minibot Energon-dispenser wiper! I exhaust in your general direction! Your mother was a roto-rat, and your father smelt of high-grade!" Sideswipe ended his tirade with a clearly visible grin, standing cockily centered on the observation deck. Behind him, vague shadows moved.

Hound sighed. This was going nowhere. Sweeping his scanning rifle across the expanse of the lab, he determined that Wheeljack wasn't actually in residence. "This is a dead end, Trailbreaker," he admitted. He swept his scanner in a full circle, ignoring the furtive movement from the roof of the laboratory. "Looks like he's West of here."

Trailbreaker turned on his own scanners. "Are you sure? Wheeljack never lets anyone in his lab when he's not there. It goes against..."

-sproiiing!-

"LOOK OUT!" Hound tackled Trailbreaker out of the way (he'd been doing that a lot lately) of the rather large object catapulted from the roof of the observatory. When the dust finally settled, Hound and Trailbreaker stood up, transformed, and made their way rapidly west, away from the jeering Twins (and Bluestreak, who finally popped his head up) and the poor, abused Yugo that had been used as fodder. "Let's find Wheeljack and get this over with!"

"Agreed."

oOoOo

Several miles west of Autobot headquarters lay a wasteland of desert and rock. Scattered about were different levels of plateaus, cliffs, arches, and other wind-sculpted rock formations. Hound had been watching his sensors for Wheeljack's whereabouts and both off-roaders stopped at the first of the large boulder formations. They transformed in time to witness a large explosion capping the top of one of the larger hills.

"Wheeljack," was all Hound had to say. Explosions were the Lancia's signature, the recognizing factor whether or not his inventions actually worked. Another explosion echoed across the wasteland, from a slightly different direction. Hound led the way, sweeping his tracking gun in a search pattern before finally locating the scientist atop the tallest rock formation in the immediate area. "Primus! How are we going to reach him?"

Another explosion rocked the area, spitting screaming fragments of rock in a wide burst pattern. Hound and Trailbreaker ducked needlessly, as the explosion was quite a ways away, and carefully walked to the center of Wheeljack's immediate optic sensor range. "He'll see us for sure now," Hound explained as the two waited patiently.

Wheeljack may have seen them, but he was still busy doing...whatever it was he was doing. With grandiose arm gestures, the grey-white Autobot cued explosion after explosion. Fiery red towers mushroomed up out of the surrounding rock formations, exploding with audio-shattering booms that shook the very earth beneath Hound's feet. Screaming trails of light streaked partway across the sky. Minutes passed, punctuated by intermittent crackles of explosive fire.

Hound was about to radio the Lancia when Wheeljack pointedly turned to face him and Trailbreaker. After a short pause, the bow-legged Autobot raised both arms in a majestic, sweeping gesture that ended with a gigantic explosion on the very spot where he stood. Before either stunned tracker could react; another, much smaller puff of smoke erupted a few feet from where they stood.

Wheeljack, or what was left of him, came stumbling out of the smoke, limbs twisted and scorched from the explosion. Hound and Trailbreaker leapt to catch the feebly moving form and lower him gently to the ground. Amazingly, the scientist was laughing, however weakly, at the incident.

"Gotta...work...on that....-garble-...transfer... heh heh heh," was all he said before shutting down into emergency stasis. One last word left his vocalizer as he collapsed, "...Tim."

"Primus!" Hound exclaimed, "We have to get him back to Ratchet, quick!"

Trailbreaker transformed and held still as Hound draped the unconscious inventor across his roof. "You think this has anything to do with what the Twins have been up to?"

Hound paused infinitesimally, "I'd bet my spark on it, but this has gone too far." And I bet that Sideswipe hacked into Teletran-1 to set us up for this, too. "Request from G.O.D." indeed! "Prime needs to put a stop to it before anyone else gets hurt," he added as they sped back to Autobot headquarters.