Cross My Heart [2]

9.) Wanting Answers

“A-about what?” I asked Ryder as he continued to sit on the side of my bed. He didn’t look nervous or anxious or angry or sad or mad or anything else that he should have been feeling. He looked… calm. Damn actors.

“You know what about.” He told me with a small, teasing smile.

I let out a long sigh, sitting down at the head of my bed. “Okay, so I do.” I admitted awkwardly with a large lump growing at a quick pace in my throat.

“I mean, I don’t really know what to say. I just know that we need to talk about… it.” He said, not looking up at me as I did the same and avoided looking up at him.

“Libby was jealous.” I blurted the first thing that could come to my foggy mind. “When she saw the magazine, she was, uh… jealous.”

He didn’t say anything after that and as the silence consumed us, I could feel myself losing the battle inside of me, causing overwhelmed tears to fall down my face.

I tried to wipe them away before Ryder could see them, but of course that didn’t work. “Fuck, Holly. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He mumbled.

I shook my head and bit my lip to keep the unnecessary sobs away. “Love just sucks, you know? I mean, you’re an amazing person and you’re always there for me and you do everything you can to make the people around you happy. You do everything you can to make me feel better about the stupid shit I get myself into. You are a great fucking person. But I can’t stop loving your asshole of a brother and it’s not fair to you. You deserve somebody as amazing as you who knows that you are the only one for her. Not me.”

He was quiet for a long time while I awkwardly wiped the tears from my face, but his voice finally broke the silence. “I’ve known for the past year that you’re in love with my brother. I’ve known that since the day we met. I didn’t really come in here to talk to you about that.”

“Then I’m confused.” I admitted with a soft sniffle. Why the heck was I so emotional?

“At the party, you called it a mistake. I don’t want you to feel like it was a mistake.” He said softly.

I thought for a minute as my face tinged red as I realized I just spilled my guts out to him for no reason. “Oh, erm, well…” I trailed off, not knowing exactly what to say.

“Don’t lie for my sake, really. Just tell me what you’re thinking.” Ryder told me with his intense brown eyes boring into me.

I sighed before speaking. “I don’t think it was a mistake, I think the reasons behind it were wrong. But I don’t regret it, I guess.”

“You guess?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

He nodded. “Thanks. That’s all I wanted to hear.” And with that, he stood up and started heading for the open door.

“Ryder.” I croaked, causing him to turn back around to look at me. “I’m really sorry.’

He gave me a reassuring smile before walking towards me and ducking down, silently pressing his lips to my cheek. “Don’t worry about it, doll face. I’ll be fine. I’m not into all that romancy, love stuff anyway, okay? Don’t worry about me, really.” Before I could say anything else, he disappeared out the door, closing it behind him.

I didn’t know what to do, really. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know what to say.

So I cried.

I flopped into my pillows and latched onto Boyce, letting my tears flow. I couldn’t express how much of a bitch I felt like in that moment. How could I turn down Ryder, the guy who’s been there for me through everything, for Kale. The boy who has a girlfriend and is happy without me.