social world

Life Update 2

What growing up feels like for me (a very incomplete and poorly written narrative)

When I was eleven years old I thought that fourteen year olds were very cool. I felt quiet mature when I reached that age, a pretty wrong perception, I may note. Moved on to being fifteen thinking things would change when I got seventeen. I'd be "grown up" and mature. I admired those girls two grades above me, I really did. So that's where I'm now, but it's nothing like I imagined.

I often get criticized for being so dependent on my family even when I'm almost eighteen. I used to be embarrassed because I started to feel like I'm staying behind others, like something is wrong with me. I think I live pretty sheltered, because my parents always help me and they do a lot of things for me. And I don't hate that. I love my comfortable, cosy home with my supportive but strict parents. We don't always get along but I try to make the best of it.

Everything comes with a prize, mine is that my parents do have a lot of control over me, or so people tell me. Where's my teenage revolution? The truth is, and I'm not proud of that, that I shy away from conflicts. I certainly don't want to fight with my parents, whenever I do, I feel terrible, I hate the consequences and I'd rather comply. But I am fine with that. In my eyes that's what friends struggle to understand, it's my choice to stay in this position. My classmates and I sometimes discuss our parents. Some of their stories make me realize how lucky I am to have a good relationship with my parents and I'm not just saying that. Whenever I hear that students don't listen or lie to their parents, I feel bad. None of us are in the position to be able to keep ourselves afloat and our parents provide us with food, money, clothes etc. I'm so glad that my family is always there for each other and we support each other. Sometimes I really want to lie to them, for my own good, but I can't. It means a lot to me that they trust me and I don't want to breach that.

Moving on. Do you remember that I said I used to feel embarrassed? Well, no more. Honestly, we are all raised differently and some children have to, or just do, grow up quickly whereas others don't. If I can buy myself more time, and I am that lucky, I should use the opportunity. I'm soooo far away from being grown up I would have never imagined. I still keep some plushies in my bed and if I have a bad day I'll drag them into the kitchen for breakfast and dinner. I eat my cereal with the spoon from my first cutlery. It's cute. I like pink glitter, colorful clothes and I think politics are mostly uninteresting. There's a lot of general knowledge I think it would be good to have but I can't convince myself to gain it because it takes so much energy. I simply can't bring myself to care, I'm never up to date either. It's so exhausting to keep track of everything when everything is progressing so quickly. All that being said, I'd be perceived as a bad adult. I often feel pretty overwhelmed by the world.

I totally lost the line for this text and if I'm honest my English by far isn't good enough for a text like this and I regret not writing in my mother tongue. And I just realized that all that doesn't mean I'm stupid, I'm just uninformed (or another word that according to my dictionary means the same and that I hate from my core if it's associated with me: ignorant). So what I want to say is that I don't know how my life will go. I don't have any fucking clue what I will do after school and I don't see myself anywhere in five years. I'm lost but that's a good place to find yourself, right?

This was inspired by Sasha Sloans song Is it just me from her recent release. I admire her honesty and I feel more confident about "me" now.