My End Game (Jenlisa)

Chapter 7 (END)

the time that I've taken, I pray is not wasted
but I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of one sweet love

"You're right. I was a selfish bitch."

The words slip out before Jennie even realizes they'd left her mouth. Both she and Lisa freeze at the same time. She doesn't know who is more shocked at her artless admission.

"Was?" Lisa shoots back, recovering quickly. Her green eyes are still over-bright, glittering with something a little more corporeal than anger.

"...Am, then," she amends. It was Jennie, after all, who had insisted on digging up the long-buried skeletons in their closet.

"That night... When I told you I love you, I meant it." she admits quietly. "...That was the problem."

Jennie swallows, hating the slight tremor she hears in her own voice. Stripped bare by her confession, she has never felt so vulnerable in front of someone in her life, but she needs to tell Lisa the unvarnished truth. This is her atonement.

"I couldn't live under the weight of my own insecurities. I had to leave. But I didn't count on how much our love meant to me... how much you meant to me. You were the love of my life Lisa and you didn't want to be. Could imagine how hard it was for me? I had to let you go, for both our sake."

So she told Lisa that she was nothing to her, and hoped that the words would make it true.

"I was stupid, cutting you and the girls both out of my life. It was meant to be a new start. For all of us. I thought it would be easier that way." Jennie can count the times she had spoken so many words at once on one hand about this topic, but suddenly they were bursting to the surface, clamoring to be voiced.

Arms crossed over her chest, Lisa stares at her in stony-faced silence, saying nothing. Her eyes are shuttered, as bleak as a New York winter, and Jennie cannot tell what she is thinking. Though the weight of her shame threatens to consume her, she forces herself to hold her gaze.

"It's probably too late now to say this," she says lowly. "But for what it's worth... I'm sorry, Lisa. I'm sorry that I didn't stay, that I took the easy road. I'm sorry for being so god damn selfish. I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough. For you, for me. I'm so sorry..."

Lisa's eyes widen, the revealed whites a vivid contrast against the willow-green of her irises. Why did Jennie have to be so... Jennie? Suddenly the dawning realization of hearing everything she ever wanted five years ago warms her.

For the second time that day the universe shifts.

Fate brought them together that significant day in Greensboro, North Carolina. Luck played a role in forming Blackpink in South Korea. They were always fond of the word serendipity, but it was destiny that set the course for their reunion on a cold autumn evening in Manhattan, New York, when the leaves are just turning gold.

Something in us knew, something in us will always know.

The silence stretches on, pulled as taut as a bowstring between them. A beat. Jennie watches Lisa's shoulders slump, some of the fight leaving her. 

"Okay," she says eventually, voice subdued. "I accept your apology." And then, because Lisa is nothing if not forthright, she adds- "But I don't know if I can forgive you."

Jennie inclines her head, thrusting her hands into her pockets. She doesn't expect her to. "I understand."

Lisa sighs. "Maybe in time," she concedes slowly, before looking down at her watch. "...Well, I should probably head back to my hotel now." It is a clear dismissal if she's ever heard one.

"Lisa, here." Impulsively, Jennie pulls out a pen from her bag, scrawling a string of numbers on the surface of an old business card. 

"If you're ever back in Korea..." Her voice trails off. Jennie is acutely aware of how awkward this is. She never thought she would be giving Lalisa Manoban her number again. In all the scenarios in her head, she never thought Lisa would give her the time of day to.

"Sure. We'll see." Her response is halfhearted and noncommittal. The slip of paper flutters loosely in one hand. "See you around, I guess."

Lisa turns to leave. She will likely never see her again. Maybe the occasional red carpet or after party, but even then interactions are few and far between. The sharp stab of disappointment she feels at the thought catches her off-guard.

"Jennie," Lisa calls out, stopping her in her tracks. Jennie places the rose-tinted glasses up to the bridge of her nose, momentarily shielding her eyes from view. 

"Have you been to Central Park?" She blinks, and then slowly shakes her head.

Lisa purses her lips. "If you don't have any plans, I could take you tomorrow." There is palpable reluctance in her words, as if she's already half-regretting them.

Not for the first time that day, Jennie is thrown. Despite her clear misgivings, Lisa is extending her a white flag. Jennie's heart clenches. It is more than she hoped for- more than she deserves.
Lisa is a better person than she will ever be.

Before she can open her mouth to respond, a wizened old man selling hot dogs brushes past them with his rickety cart, and Lisa is jostled into her. Jennie reacts before she thinks, looping a steadying arm around Lisa's waist. For a heart-stopping moment, they stand motionless, Lisa's left hand braced against Jennie's shoulder, the other clutching tightly at the lapel of her coat collar.

Jennie gives a sharp intake of breath. Unprompted, a stream of images flash through her mind- a tantalizing glimpse of milky thigh, the pale arch of Lisa's bare back, her hair like a vibrant black waterfall cascading over crisp white hotel sheets. Desire hits her low in the gut, and Jennie is forced to look away, swallowing hard.

"You alright?" she asks, voice rough.

Lisa nods, bright spots of color splashed high on her cheeks. Once she's sure Lisa's regained her balance, Jennie carefully releases her, pulse racing madly. She still cannot meet her eyes.
"So, about tomorrow..." Lisa prompts, when the flustered silence drags on for too long.

"I'd really like that," she replies. It is unquestionably sincere. And then, more softly- "Thank you, Li."

This time, a faint smile blooms on Lauren's face. "It's a date then. Thank you, Nini" she says.

As Jennie watches her disappear into the teeming crowd, her soul feels unbearably light.

It feels like a new beginning.
It feels like second chances.
It feels like coming home.

savor the sorrow to soften the pain
I don't look, don't touch, don't do anything but hope that there is a you.
(Sara Bareilles, 'One Sweet Love')