Jade|
Beck was my first everything. My first real kiss, my first real boyfriend, my first time. We were both virgins, so the whole experience was slow and careful - not awkward, just curious. We spent more time just looking and touching each other than actually having sex, and the sex itself was clumsy and kind of painful as it tends to be. But we got good at it. In almost three years, we had learned each other well. I knew (still know) where and how to touch him. I know his soft spots, his ticklish ones, the parts of him that he likes bitten or scratched. And he had studied me just as closely; he had a firm grasp on what made me feel good and was (is?) an expert in the field of pleasuring me. Beck is still so familiar to me, so safe and close, that when my eyes turn to Tori, who is now sitting tentatively on the edge of my bed as if it might explode, my feet stick to the floor in fear.
It's not that I'm afraid of her or her body or that she's a girl or anything. I have access to the internet and, like everyone else, have ventured in some of the darker corners (those who say otherwise are lying). I know how it works. I know I can figure it out.
It's just that she's not Beck. She's new. I have to re-learn all over again, like getting pulled back a year in school. It's not going to be effortless. I have to pay attention, take notes, remember, and it's not like I don't want to do those things because, especially with the way Tori's biting her lip right now, I definitely want to. I'm just scared that maybe she's something I won't be good at. And I want to be good with her more than anything.
I swallow, watching as Tori bends at the waist to remove her heels. Distracted, I follow suit, kicking them by the side table. Silence is thick between us.
Tori's fingers shift to the top button of her blouse. She fidgets quietly.
"We don't have to do anything," I blurt, sounding more panicked than I had planned. "I mean, not that I don't want to or anything, but I was just joking upstairs. We can watch a movie. We can just sleep. I don't - " I blink at her and I can still feel the soreness in my eyes from my recent crying, a distant pounding still echoing in the back of my head. "I don't want to pressure you into anything."
Tori's smirk is just barely there. "I don't feel pressured," she says. Her fingers pop the button. More caramel flesh is exposed to me, the barest hint of the slope of her breast. I hold my breath. "I know what I'm doing, Jade." Her eyebrows flicker. "Well, I don't, I'm a virgin, obviously, but I know what choice I'm making." She hesitates, frowning across the room at me. "Unless you don't want to do this, of course."
"No, no." I shake my head and both of my hands before running them down the back of my skirt. "No, trust me, I am all aboard this ship. I am the captain of this ship."
"What does that make me?" Tori laughs and bites her lip again and goddamn, that's sexy. Another button is released from her blouse.
I lift one side of my mouth. "The skipper." I take a few steps forward, pausing just short of her side before I take an abrupt turn toward my dresser. I can feel her curious eyes on me as I scoop up my PearPad and put it on the dock. After swiveling through a few screens, I'm shown my playlists. I have several of them - one for when I'm pissed off, another for working out, one for when I'm really pissed off and - there. A set of acoustic songs. I usually listen to it when I'm writing or when I'm trying to calm myself down. It seems appropriate and music kind of is a big deal to both of us. I turn the volume just high enough for both of us to hear it before I turn back to Tori. She's smiling still, her expression breathless.
"You okay?"
Tori takes a deep breath. "Yeah, just. You know." She lifts her hands before letting them slap against her knees. "Don't want to crash the ship."
