I'm Sorry Boris

Am I a coward?

Sitting in loneliness of my bed I sit and stare at my ceiling. I hear my parents bickering outside the shut door and I hear my brother's small voice trying to tell them to stop. 

I'm smart enough to know to not get in the middle of it all but he still thinks he can stop them. He's a sweet boy. For all he's been through it's hard to believe he is still so small and innocent. He still believes the word of everyone even if they've proven to always lie. He still is as gullible as can be and will believe anything you tell him. Even if you give him all the right reasons to not trust you, there he stands, beside you.

Normally he sleeps in my room where he feels safe behind the locked door. I tell him stories of fairies and rainbows and he admires me and my words in awe. He'll sit and laugh for the first time all day and eventually drift off to sleep using my arm as a pillow. It is my favorite part of everyday.

Just knowing I can still try and shield him from the realities of this harsh world is enough to keep me going. I know, one day he'll be out on his own. Safe from Mom and Dad but far from the loving arms of his sibling. One day I will no longer be able to protect him because one day he will realize we lived no normal life. 

Our lives should never be considered normal. For anyone. I don't care what crimes they may commit later in life, no child should have to go through what him and I have gone through. It takes the fairytale stories and turns them into dark, twisted nightmares. Takes the "Merry" out of Christmas. Because, let's be honest, there was nothing ever "Merry" about our Christmases. 

Laying alone, wide awake made me think that maybe I could be the one that changes our future. Or if not mine then maybe at least his, he deserves it more than anyone else. 

I didn't have much cash, but it was enough to get me out of the city by train. I could leave, start a new life, get a job, get an apartment, and eventually come back to take Boris with me. Oh how I wish I could take him with me right here and now but if I were to really create a good life for him, I'd need to do it the legal way. And to do that? I'd need a stable living condition and job to prove to the court that I could be a better parent than our parents ever were. 

As silent as I could, I rummaged around my room to find a small duffle bag. Good enough. I grabbed all of my clothes and shoved them into the bag. I didn't have many warm clothes but I could figure that out once I get where I'm going. I grab my paper, pen and stamps so maybe one day I can write to Boris if he ever finds a way to receive my words without Mom or dad discovering. 

Finally, I go under my bed to grab my guitar case. My parents never knew about the guitar. A friend bought it for me and his dad taught me to sing. The past few months I've been playing and singing on the curb to collect a small amount of money. My way out. My parents never allowed me a job because they knew if I had money I'd be smart enough to make my way out. I was one step ahead though. You always have to be one step ahead in homes like mine.

Quickly scribbling a note to hide under my pillow for Boris, I open my window. Looking behind me to see if I had forgotten anything I smile, I was gonna be free. 

Taking a deep breath I carefully set my belongings on the other side of the window. Before stepping out I made sure my plans were well thought out enough. 

Was I a coward? For leaving my dear brother behind for my own good? He would understand right? I would tell him I'd come back for him in a few months time. He'd be happy and not angry right? 

Oh I hoped so because in that moment I heard my father's angry footsteps go close to my door and knew this was my chance. I slipped out the window and shut it behind me. 

Was I a coward? I thought again as I stood outside the home I spent years hoping to escape. Putting my bag over my shoulder and turning in the direction towards the subway I shook my head. No, a coward would just leave and never come back. I'm coming back for Boris. And that's braver than leaving in the first place. Coming back.