Missing Like You

FIFTY-ONE

ISABELLE DONOVAN
THURSDAY JUNE 30, 2022

It's Thursday. We're sitting in the living room, a movie playing in the background, neither one of us speaking. We've been treading on unfamiliar territory for the past twenty-four hours. I don't know how I'm supposed to react and neither does he. I think I'm still partially in shock, still trying to process this news. I am pregnant.

There's no doubt about it now; the three pregnancy tests confirmed it. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that a pregnancy is what I was trying to avoid for so long near the end of my marriage, and now, after we've been separated for six months, it happens. We created a baby.

Well, I'd hardly call it a baby. Not yet, anyway. Right now it's just a zygote, barely even an embryo. It's so miniscule that it would fit into the palm of my hand, no bigger than a bean. But still, regardless of how small it is, there's no denying the fact that it exists. That little bean will eventually grow until it's a peach. And then a pineapple. And then a full fledge baby. The thought alone makes me dizzy.

While I'm attempting to come to terms with the fact that I have a living organism growing inside of me, my captor is trying to process what exactly he intends to do with me now that he knows I'm pregnant. And thus, neither of us know what to say, hence the silence.

JD gets up and retrieves his pen and notebook from the kitchen, then returns to his place on the chair. I watch as he occasionally glances up every now and then to watch what's happening on the television, then he focuses his eyes back on the page in front of him.

"What are you writing?" I ask.
"Nothing."
"Well I'm sure it's not nothing."
He ignores me.

I sit back and stare at the ceiling. As usual, my mind wanders to Scott. I think about where he is right now, what he's doing, whether he's looking for me or not. It's probably driving him mental not knowing where I am. Scott is still in love with me, there's no doubt about it. He made this abundantly clear during the months following our separation. He told me that his infidelity is hands down the biggest regret of his entire life. He told me that he'll never stop loving me or fighting to get me back. I punished him by ignoring his calls, telling him he ruined the one good thing in his life, and that he'll die knowing he lost me forever. It was a bit cruel, I know, but I was upset. More than upset. And I had every right to be.

The first few weeks after I had found out were the hardest. I couldn't come to grips with this reality and it pained me to know that, regardless of how badly I didn't want to believe it, it was true. Scott, the man I had known since I was sixteen, the man I'd married and planned to be with for the rest of my life, had betrayed me in the worst way possible. An act such as that is unforgivable.

The separation was hard too, but at that point, four months had passed and I had begun to accept it for what it was. I knew our marriage was over. I knew there was no salvaging it. When I packed my things and moved out, it was as though I was a different person. I wanted to be by myself. I wanted never to open my heart again knowing that there was a possibility I would let someone in and they'd hurt me.

I'm still in love with him. I try my very best not to be. It's something I work at every day, just as one might wake up and try to kick a cigarette habit or practice a new language. I live each day trying to rid myself of Scott and completely eradicate the feelings I have for him. But at this point, my actions are proving fruitless, and soon enough, I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'll probably never get over him. I will love him forever. My heart is his.

Now with the news of this baby, I don't know what to do. We didn't file for a divorce because we both didn't want to accept that this was the end. Perhaps we did that for a reason. Things get messy and complicated when a child is involved, especially when it comes to divorced parents. I guess it works out that we didn't make it legal. Now there remains a possibility of a reunion, co-parenting and raising this child together. If it lasts, that is.