ANGEL BLUE [1]

LEAD 18: forget me not

      I sit on Banks’ front porch while Sam tells Beth about Derek’s murder in great detail. I can’t bear to listen to it, to hear their screams of heartbreak or see the agony smeared across their faces, but I do, and I hate the fact that I do nothing about it.

      Surprisingly, there’s no sound from inside the house apart from Sam’s sympathy coos. I understand why, Beth’s been preparing her family for this event for donkey’s years, and now it’s come. Derek purposely distanced himself from his own children and wife because he knew how high-risk his position was, and it’s paid off.

      From the slits between the screen doors, I see Beth sitting on the killer couch with her arms around Nathalia and Shoshana. The girls are teary eyed but Beth commands them to stay strong, they listen to her, they want to be like their mother and elder sister the ‘super cop’―they want to be strong.

      Banks stands behind her mother and rubs her shoulders in a comforting gesture, I should be in there but I can’t bring myself to stand.

      I shuffle my knees close to my chest and rest my chin on my slacks. The cool sprinkle of rain greets me to calm my burning nerves, a storm’s coming, a big one. Grey clouds cover the stars of the night sky, casting a deeper darkness throughout Manhattan; I just hope I’m prepared for it.

      I have faith in you Akira, we’ll be okay.

      Nevertheless, that isn’t a promise Derek can keep, his faith isn’t enough to save his family from the grief that will surely follow. Once his coffin is lowered into the earth, the realisation will set in and everything will spiral. I shake my head, I can’t be here for the Banks Family, I mentally can’t bear the thought of it.

      I get up from my position on the steps and start walking in the soft rain down the sidewalk. It’s nine at night and Derek’s been dead for about ten hours. I put my hands in the pockets of my slacks and drag my heels past Sam’s parked SUV on in front of the house.

      The screen door of the Banks household slams shut and I hear the pitter-patter of footsteps against the sidewalk. The rain is warm against my bear arms and I stand beneath the street lamp, I don’t make a sound as Shoshana and Nathalia hug me around the waist. Nathalia only reaches my hip whereas her sister comes up to my chest. They’re murmuring thankyous to me but it doesn’t compute, why are they thanking me? What have I done to be thankful for?

      “Don’t go Stevens,” whispers Nathalia.

      I want to tell her that I have to go, that there’s no point sticking around to feel their wrath, but my lips don’t move, they simply quiver. I’m silent; I’m taking the coward’s way out. I’m running from my demons, just like how I continue to run from my own mother.

      “I’m sorry for drawing wieners on your arms, I promise you can draw on my face if that will make you stay!” Nathalia continues in an over-dramatized tone and buries her face into the small of my back. 

      “Way to kill the mood, idiot,” Shoshana tugs harshly on Nathalia’s pineapple ponytail and I can’t help but smile. Shoshana hugs my front while Nathalia’s arms are around my back. I smooth down Shoshana’s hair, it’s like the water bounces off her curls. “Hey Stevens, it’ll be cool if you stick around,” she goes onto her tippy toes to stroke my cheek with her long fingers. 

      “You saved our big sis today; you’re the new Super Cop!” Nathalia hoots enthusiastically.

      My chest tightens, am I a ‘Super Cop’? I don’t feel like it, not even in the slightest. I try to put on a brave face for Shoshana and Nathalia but it wavers the instant I see the tears in their eyes, I caused those tears. Shoshana doesn’t drop her hand and Nathalia squeezes my hips that extra bit tighter to know that she’s still here too.