Absolution

Chapter 2: Submission

She needs air. She needs to get out of that room because the smell of sweat and sex is overwhelming. She can't breathe. Once Jennie retreats into the bathroom, a sob passes her mouth and she tries to wipe the tears off of her face violently. She can't cry. She doesn't deserve to cry. She did this.

Jennie's clothes are still scattered on her side of the room and Jisoo's stomach turns. She didn't even think about Soo Joo last night. Her girlfriend never once entered her mind. She sobs again. She should have pulled away. She never should have let Jennie back her against the wardrobe. Her breaths keep getting caught in her throat and she piles on layers of clothes. Tears flow freely down her cheeks and she doesn't attempt to wipe them away. Maybe the salt will wash the taste of Jennie from her lips.

It's still early fall but the temperatures are turning and the air outside is crisp. She can tell by the small gusts of air that come through the slightly open window of the room. She doesn't put a jacket on. She leaves the dorm with a slam of the door and she runs down the stairs. She pushes out of the dorm and the cold air hits her the moment she's out of the double doors. Goosebumps erupt all over the bare skin of her arms but she doesn't pay attention to them. She takes a deep breath and inhales as much of the bitter, cold air as she can. It hurts her lungs. She welcomes it.

Her gait starts off slow and she shivers each time the wind hits her bare skin. She figures she deserves this at least. She wanders. She isn't sure where to go because the place, no the person, she always goes to when she feels like this is Soo Joo. And she can't go to her. Not yet. Her chest still feels tight and constricted and her breathing is shallow. She shivers as the turns down the path that leads to an old abandoned building. It was burnt down in 1904 but the rubble is still there because it, apparently, makes a good backdrop for the photography students. There's bare bones of a structure but the real beauty is behind it – the lake. It's vast and you can barely see where it ends. The leaves are changing colors and falling into the water and it's one of Jisoo's favorite spots on campus – especially this time of year. There's a rock halfway around the circumference that she made hers during freshman year. She often comes here when she wants to work on a project. The atmosphere helps open her mind and let the ideas flow freely. It is, generally speaking, her happy place. She hates to ruin it but it's the only place she can go.

She trudges through the muddy trenches that surround the lakeshore, not caring when she steps in a particularly deep puddle that causes mud to splash on her pant legs. Her arms are shaking from the cold and tears have yet to stop spilling down her cheeks. She sits on the rock and swings her legs to the front of it. Her feet are dangling just a few inches above the water and if she didn't have shoes on, she would try and dip her toes into the surely ice cold water. She grips the side of the rock tightly. Her knuckles go white. Suddenly, she's bought back to last night – when her knuckles went white from gripping the bed sheets too hard. She sobs again. What had she been thinking?

She hadn't, she realizes.

She'd been intoxicated by the smell of Jennie's hair and the feeling of her hands against her. Her mind and any sense she'd had went out the window.

Worst part of it was, when she thinks of it, her stomach still swoops and she momentarily feels thrilled before her mind takes over and the disgust and anger towards herself sets in.

She'd lost herself. It was a mistake. She knew that. They'd both been caught up in the heat of the moment – the heat of the argument. Jennie only wanted her because she couldn't have her.

And Jisoo didn't want her, of course she didn't. It was a mistake.

The clouds are dark and she watches them roll closer. They sky had already been grey but these clouds are so dark they're nearly black. She knows they mean a storm.