crooked smiles

forty one.

                                                                jude.

next thing i knew, i was out of the house and in the backyard.

jumping in front of a train would be quite pleasant right now.

i wobbled my way through the empty backyard, wondering why it was empty at all. wondering if i was even supposed to be here.

probably not.

i hiccuped quietly and blew out a shaky breath.

i could see a blurry figure near the pool across from me. i squinted my eyes and mumbled words i myself couldn't understand, wondering who the person sitting at the edge of the pool was. i frowned. their back was facing me and i decided to approach whoever it was. as i wobbled my way to them i could see the half empty bottle of vodka beside them.

the cup in my hand was getting quite annoying and i just drank what was left, tilting my head back and forcing it down my throat. i shut my eyes tight, shaking my head, dropping the empty cup beside me.

i blinked three times before realizing the back facing me was a male's.

he had a hoodie on and when he seemed to notice me behind him, he looked over his shoulder

and

i

froze.

"leo?" i blinked and licked my lips. my was voice thick.

my head began to spin and i had to briefly close my eyes. i opened them.

"hey jude," he said quietly, turning his head away again, looking at the glistening water of the pool.

"i..i..y-you..." i began, "w-what are you doing out here?" 

"i told you i'll come, didn't i?" he said, standing up sharply and turning to face me.

he sounded. . .hurt

and angry.

this sobered me up. crashed bricks on my spine. ran knifes through my skin.

"y-yeah, i-i was waiting f-for y-you--"

he laughed a laugh so hollow and hurt i actually had to blink back the tears. he shook his head, "that didn't look like you were even expecting me. i was right there--practically in front of you but you didn't even see me" he blew out a breath, shrugged, raking a hand through his hair, making his hoodie come off. "you did actually, just for a second..." 

i had been so caught up in luke, so caught up in the alcohol and the pathetic fun. leo didn't know anyone here. there was only me.

me.

i was pretty close to dropping dead on the floor as i kept seeing the pain in his eyes that seem to flicker back and forth.

"i-i'm sorry, i thought you wouldn't come. please--"

he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and turning around and facing the pool again, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

i walked closer to him and stopped beside him, several inches separating us.

the swore under his breath. shook his head, his eyes fixed on the glistening water. "i'm sorry. i shouldn't have talked to you like that. it was stupid of me to think you would come alone," he let out a long breath, running a hand through his hair--still not looking at me.

i felt horrible

horrible

horrible

"leo--"

"you don't know what you're doing to me, jude," he said quietly so quietly i felt my heart split clean in half. i looked at him, searching his eyes. they looked so lost, so lost in memories, in things and thoughts i'll probably never know. he was not even looking at me--he still wouldn't look at me.

"w-what are you talking about--"

"you're killing me," and now he was looking at me, piercing his eyes through mine. they were so weighted in something i couldn't put my finger on, "jude...i, " he said, struggling to find the words, "i can't get you out of my head. you're everything i think about. everyday this feeling grows in my chest and it's hard, jude, so hard to ignore..." he laughed, so softly, so quietly, "god, i must be going insane," he whispered, "to crave someone who is not mine," he said it like he himself couldn't believe it. "to crave...you,"

 a/n: two pages woah