crooked smiles

forty five.

                                                        jude.

i remember when i first met leo. i was so drunk and ruined. such an embarrassing mess. but he took care of me. i remember how beautiful i found his eyes and his crooked smile. i remember how much he worried about me and i remember his adorable faces and his squinted eyes when he grinned.

but most of all, i remember the times we spent together. the times when he would just call me and ask me if i wanted to grab an ice cream or something to eat. and how we would lay on the grass in those late afternoons and just talk and talk and talk.

i never had anything like that with anyone.

i realized i didn't appreciate those moments. maybe i did, but i didn't quite show it.

but now, now i do. because it's true what they say: you don't know what you have until it's gone.

i had him.

i lost him.

i was foolish enough to bury any growing feelings that i had for him every time we saw each other. 

i destroyed him.

i was foolish enough to ignore those small moments we suddenly had close to each other and how easily my heart rate would take off into a trillion beats in just a minute.

i realized i wasn't the only one with problems. leo had his own problems but he never shared them with me. i just knew they were there.

but it was wrong of him to fall for me. i was broken. trapped. unfixable. vacant. someone else's.

he still invaded my mind now and then. it had been nearly two years and i hadn't heard a word from him. i'd called, texted, left voice messages and even go to ask around to go where he lived and it just came to me that i never knew where he lived. i knew he lived in town, but not where. 

gosh, i'm terrible.

i'd buried a knife through his heart.

he was left in ruins.

i'd left him in ruins.

and i regretted it so so so so much. i wanted to go back in time and fix everything. fix the cracks, the tragedy, the pain.

everything.

i was foolish enough to not notice my heart growing for him.

so so foolish.

after that night at  the party, i didn't know what happened. i passed out and the next thing i knew i was in my house, in my room, with mom hovering over me.

tears wasn't a word enough to describe all the liquid i shed from my eyes.

the next day or the week after, i can't really remember, i broke up with luke. i don't even know how. i was just so angry, so bitter and sad it was actually embarrassing. it was torture trying to make him leave me alone. eventually, after many months, he did.

and i was left all alone.

so 

so alone.

without luke

without leo.

 yet deep, deep down i knew he'd come back. i had grown to know leo as we spent time together, but also, i could understand why he left. he needed time. i needed time.

i think he knew me better than i did. i knew he would come when i was ready. or when he was ready. because i just knew. because it was leo.  

because he had yet to take his heart.

maybe mine.

and until then, i would wait.

the end.

 

a/n: wow can i say im actually like crying??? endings always do this to me :( ugh. this journey was lovely though. i was thinking of so many ways to end this story and just settled for this one. i just found it the best one.

thank you everyone for the support. it truly means a lot to me. <3

i was just wondering if any of you were interested in a sequel or epilogue? please tell me if so because i'm hesitant. xx

please comment and vote. thank you!

- nessie xoxo