letters to nobody

day 1

I often feel the need to document my internal monologue, in hopes I will find the answers in the pages I have mindlessly written on whim and filled with my thoughts that shouldn't belong there.

 I have this image in my head, that I'm running, and its cold and grey outside, and it feels like I'm the only one in a deserted city. I feel my thoughts spill out and I leave a trail behind me, only I'm the only one who can make sense of the mess I leave behind. I have to know how to untangle the thoughts, so that nobody trips or gets caught in them while walking past me. It's a hustle and it takes a very long time, so I usually give up running to sit on the sidewalk and try untangling my thoughts. But then I also bother others who want to walk down the road. I take my big clump of tangled thoughts and go where I cant bother anyone, because they've already passed that point in life.

 I go to the cemetery and sit there. Only now I have lost motivation, so I lay down on the ground and let the weeds sway gently beside my head, as the wind blows through them. Its nice and silent here, where I don't bother anyone, and no one can be bothered to bother me. I look at the sad, misty sky and think hmmmm... I don't like that shade of grey .I turn my head towards the headstones " I don't like that shade of grey either".

 I look down at my clothes and sigh, the world just seems to become greyer and greyer everyday, and should bother me, but it doesn't anymore. I try to remember the colours. They were very pretty, especially that pretty blue the sky got sometimes.

 I look up again, and let my mind wonder on the cold greyish fields of nothingness, secretly wishing something would bother me so I didn't have to look at it anymore. Funny how you can change so quickly, it feels like I've been here all afternoon. When I look down at myself, I don't see gray anymore, which bothers me. I don't feel the gusts of wind or the soft brushes of the weeds along my arms anymore, and that bothers me. Why cant I see anything ? Well, I guess it's not that much of a loss anyways, I never really liked that shade of grey.