Always Cas | ✔

CHAPTER NINE; part two

     I see Amelia, Dolores, and Charles to the door. They're the last stragglers but when I turn around Cas is still here. It's unexpected so I say the first thing that comes to mind, "Olivia couldn't come?"

     He shakes his head. "She wanted to, but she's working a late shift." I nod, understandingly. "Is it just you to clean up?"

     "For right now, yeah. But I have a cleaning crew coming in a few hours. They'll do the front here."

     Both of Cas's eyebrows go up. "Wow, things really have changed."

     "Not really," I say quietly.

     There's a glint in Cas's eye as he says, quietly, "Right, not really." He licks his lips. "Everything really was excellent, tonight. You should be proud." He means that, I can tell.

     "You think so?" I ask because his opinions always mattered most to me. "Did you eat enough? I have leftovers in the kitchen. Take something home with you?"

     "I did. I'm stuffed. But I can take something back for Olivia. She'll be happy to try it."

     Cas follows me to the kitchen, which is still too messy for me leave it tonight. I move towards the oven where I've left the meals, already packaged. Whatever I had leftover I was planning to drop off at the local shelter tomorrow.

     I hear the door shut behind Cas and then he's pressing up against me, nose easing along the back of my neck.

     "Cas," I say groaning. "We can't."

     "How about we skip the part where you pretend you don't want to? It's late and I have to be up early."

     "We can't in the kitchen," I manage to say as Cas kisses the back of my neck.

     "Why? We have before."

     It feels like all the blood has shunted to the back of my neck and I can't get my breath to even out. I clench at the stovetop before pushing away, turning around. Cas is there, meeting my gaze intensely. I reach up and grab the back of his neck, turning him towards the door as I guide him across the hall to the break room. I've hardly pushed him into the room before he's turning, reaching for my slacks as we back up towards the couch.

     Something is different and I can't figure out what until Cas is opening a condom with his teeth and sliding it on me. "Oh," I say as he unhooks his belt and drops his pants. He quirks an eyebrow at me, a question without any words. "Are you—?" I go to ask but Cas cuts me off, turning away as he climbs onto the couch.

     "I'm ready."

     I was going to ask sure.

     Parts of my brain are ringing at me. Telling me to stop, that this isn't a line I should be crossing. That this isn't what Cas wants. I realize I have no idea what Cas wants.

     But there are things I do know. I know I can't tell Cas I'm sorry but I can let him touch me. I can't really kiss him but I can let him put me in his mouth. I can't talk about our past but we can do things we haven't done in five years. Everything's on Cas's terms. That's the agreement.

     "Come on, Dres," Cas says, his voice low.

     I step forward, pushing his jacket up his back so I can take his hip and pull him towards me. He jerks, making a quiet sound when I reach around with my other hand and touch him. "Come on, come on, come on," he whispers. I line myself up but I'm taking it slow, dragging it out because despite everything I want to remember this moment, unsure if I'll have another one like it.

     I think about the last time Cas and I had been together, had I known it would be the last time? I can't remember when it was. I can't even really remember what it feels like to be with Cas in that way.

     It's a distant thing that draws up easily. I slide into Cas like I belong there and he hunches over, dropping his head into his arms with a sigh so that the angle deepens. I breathe through the initial burst of pleasure. I want this to last. I want this to be more than what it is, I think.

     "Come on, Dres," Cas growls. "Fuck me."

     It is something else completely hearing him like this. It hits a base part of me, where logic does not reside. I press my hand into the small of his back, close my eyes against the urge to flip him over, to look into his eyes. To make this an act of love and not hate.

     I'm fucking him hard, faster than I want to. This isn't the way Cas and I did this sort of thing. But if I can't make it about the intimacy of the act, I'll make it about the pleasure.

     I slide my hand to the front of Cas, so it's pressed against his sternum and I can force him backwards till he's standing on his knees pressed against me. He makes this sweet sound, pained almost but the best sort of pain. I kiss the side of his neck, biting at it, sucking till he's gasping and rutting backwards into me. I slide my hand down his chest, wrapping it around the length of him. He's trembling against me as he comes into my hand, moaning soft enough that I almost don't hear him at all.

     He doesn't stay there, pulling off and turning on the couch as he reaches for the condom and slips it off. I'm in his mouth before I've even registered what is happening, hardly lasting long enough to make a memory out of it.

     When I finish, Cas stays there for a second, swallowing around the length of me. He looks up at me and if I didn't know any better, I might mistake his expression for something it's not. I know this means nothing to him, though. He pulls off, grabs my pants and tugs them upwards.

     I don't say anything as not to break the spell.

     I watch instead as he wipes his mouth and smooths down his hair, standing up so he can tug his pants back on. I walk away to wash my hands, clearing my throat before I say, "Let me give you the food before you leave."

     Cas follows me back to the kitchen, his steps light and quiet. If not for the flush on his cheeks and pinker than usual lips, I'd never know what just occurred had even occurred. I hand him a container and he takes it, holding it to his chest.

     "Well," he says and his voice is different, I just don't know how. He's not giving anything away with his expression. "Goodnight."

     I watch him leave, thinking that while I may have been inside of Cas, I'm definitely the one that just got fucked.